I am the secret that you keep; MISS SCARLET.

Wednesday, October 02, 2013

brushing off the dust

for this blog, and in my life, so far. having been caught up with roughly 10 months of being at 88DB.com, they decided to pull the plug on me and i got kicked to the curb. YUP. my first real job, and i got retrenched.

the only upside to it is that it was a sinking ship anyway, so better they throw me overboard than i stay and drown with them. the 10-month stint made me really immerse myself in churning out articles weekly, and i didn't really fully grasp just how much i LOVE writing. i mean sure, i always knew i wrote better than i spoke. but i really cannot imagine myself doing anything else.

i got to attend some pretty cool events - and some pretty lame-ass ones, of course. but overall, i'm glad i could beef up my CV with articles that are mine, covering topics that i love (read: fitness, food and relationships).

going back to job hunting is never fun. and it always seems like an endless game of waiting. i've gone for two interviews so far, with the first one a definite no-go (they took 1.5 hours of intense interrogative time, like OMG). i'm hoping the second one will get back to me, because it's literally behind our place - 10 minutes by car, about 40 minutes by bus (including waiting + walking time).

till then, i can only hope my savings and my last pay check can tide me over till i find something. oh, and of course, maintaining the 14 kilo weight loss since the start of last year. :) i couldn't be prouder or myself!

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

another chapter has begun

where do i even begin? i'm not going to ramble on about insignificant details, but plenty has happened.

including a meeting that has taken 26 years of my life to actually happen - yeah, having a meal with my biological father. granted, it was scary, especially since i didn't expect his whole family to be there - wife and both daughters. my baby was with me, for support, and for his eagerness to finally meet my father as well.

there were plenty of awkward moments, and a couple of times i had to hold back myself from asking too much, or being too emotionally caught up. all in all, it was great. but soon after, i found myself not really knowing what to do with all these mixed emotions; i realise i don't know how to have a father in my life. and every text from him after that dinner, it's almost as if i feel repulsed by the fact that he's so keen in keeping contact with me. i have absolutely no clue how to do this.

in other news, i have two more weeks at the magazine, before i take a short break and start work as a copywriter at 88db.com. honestly, it's a little too corporate for my taste, but i have to bite the bullet and immerse myself in the REAL working world. i'm scared that i'll not be able to keep up, or my performance will be sorely lacking having had ZERO experience in that field of work and in that environment. just gotta have a leap of faith, i guess - quite literally.

so yeah, i finally had a proper meet with my father and i'm about to embark on my first real job. this year has been nothing short of pretty amazing changes for me, really. with my weight loss included, all 9 kilos of it. :)

i should be stoked with how things are slowly working out for me, but somehow there's always something that seems to be missing. go figure.

Tuesday, October 02, 2012

so over this!

it's into my 6th week here at the magazine, and i'm seriously about done.
no, really.

the amount of bitching, gossiping and dimissiveness from my boss is doing my head in. the other two writers are great to be around, but throw my boss in the mix and we have an instant recipe for a trio of overgrown sorority girls. it's pretty ridiculous.

plus, the lack of courtesy and respect for my position as a mere intern isn't much to speak of at all. i took the day off yesterday, and this morning, i returned to a desk littered with scrap paper, a missing notebook and a vanished pen. oh, and my jacket was crumpled and squashed (at the same time) in a messy heap on my chair, which means someone had been sitting on it and didn't even have a kind bone in their body to just hang it across the backrest. it's utterly disgraceful.

oh, and don't forget the ignorance my boss played out. i shall not divulge in the details, but it surely made me feel like i wasn't even a person, a human being, for a minute.

i'm just counting down the days that i leave this shoebox; it literally has no windows. i'm miserable at the thought of having to go to work, so much so that i am THIS close to just quitting without much prior notice. i went for an interview at 88db yesterday, and although it's under marketing (though i will still be writing/copywriting), it's a full-time position, my senior writer is a pretty nice lady (we hung out for a bit after an event, and we instantly clicked! YAY) and it's smack in the middle of town (read: shaw house, LIDO). no more 90 minute commutes, more or less fixed working hours and still doing what i love. didn't really love the office too much though; was really cramped! but i'll trade that in for a decent pay, a colleague i enjoy working with and an amazing central location.

crossing my fingers and toes till i hear back from them.

Monday, September 24, 2012

just.simply.broken.

the title says it all. and even if i wanted to say more, there is nothing.

it's like all the hope i carried, all the faith i harboured, and all the promises i held dear, has suddenly vanished.
there is no silver lining, no ray of light.

talk about monday blues. i just feel so awful, i wanna curl up in bed all day and only pray that this threatening, dark, black cloud dissipates.

i want to give in. but mostly, i want to give up. on myself.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

a reflective weekend

so, i haven't blogged this week. cos it's been pretty busy with countless press releases and brand story that i had to work on. plus, i was extremely tired, so much so that even while working out, i could practically fall asleep.

but i've also reached the point where i think i'm beginning to question the amount of commitment he's putting in. yes, it's accumulative. but thursday night was what triggered everything, including what has now become 2 days of not speaking/texting/calling/seeing him. at all.

you say you wanna have dinner with me. you tell me you miss me. but your idea of showing me all that is a 45 minute-long dinner where your enthusiasm is non-existent for everything i share, about my day at work, and heading early to CHIJMES, where we sit there for an hour-ish before your start work, and barely say a word to me.

that's your idea of spending time with me, and your level of commitment to even try to make things work. i'm no saint, but i know i try my darnest best to always suggest new things for us to do, check out, to possibly travel to. and most of the time, nothing gets done. i'm at my wits' end.

i know i should stop this pettiness and say something. but i don't even know where to begin. i try and think of what i could possibly say to you, to try and explain how exhausted i am at being the only one who seems to give two fucks about working on us. i'm constantly finding myself fighting, for myself, not something you and i share. i'm beginning to seriously feel that this relationship, or whatever it is right now, is a mere convenience.

being taken for granted is much too familiar for me, and i honestly don't wanna go down that road again. apparently, i'm the #1 go-to girl for any guy who wants the benefits of being with someone, but doesn't wanna work on anything more than a few dinners and small talk.

story of my life.

Friday, September 14, 2012

childhood bullies

watching these videos on bullying stirs up memories of my own. sure, i was never physically bullied into a corner (THANK GOD!), but the words don't hurt any less.

maybe it's a trivial thing for many but i was called names, like 'siti sotong' (which translates into 'siti squid', cos squids are somehow associated with being lost and confused a lot, apparently). that name stuck through primary school, and beyond. and i HATE IT. i think it was mainly the fact that i was always lost in my thoughts, always wandering off into space. i couldn't help it; i had a very active imagination and i still do.

and i was accused at staring at the resident 'gangster girl' of my secondary school because i happened to linger my glance a little too long in her direction. again, always been a 'thing' of mine, to zone out, and have people think i'm staring.

growing up, i've been accused of being rude and really have nothing much going on in my thinktank (aka stupid), because i love to daydream. and i've consciously tried to avoid doing that as i got older, and i'd like to think it's not that bad now. but i have my moments, i know. oh, and i've been told i have a huge nose (which i somewhat agree).

so yeah, i've had my fair share of being chastised and made fun of, which definitely has affected how i view myself now. but (there's a HUGE BUT in there), the last two years i have learnt to love myself a hell of a lot more. mainly through proper nutrition and exercise. yes, it's only working on the physical aspect, but as a result, my feeling of self-worth has grown by heaps and bounds. plus, it helps that i've been with someone who's a complete God-send after that fucking douchebag. so what he loves about me, i've learnt to love about myself. and now that i've learnt to appreciate the superficial (if you can call it that), i can appreciate the inside even more.

and i couldn't be happier with myself. :)

p.s.
of course, there were other major contributing factors to all this lack of confidence and self-esteem (read: MOTHER), but that's all been said and done. and now that i actually lost weight (FUCK YEAH!), she can't touch me!

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

third week in

i thought i should write more, you know, just to keep practising. it didn't matter what kind of writing i did, as long as i wrote.

so it's my third week into this internship, and i've caught onto the whole rhythm of waking up about 7-ish and sleeping by 12.30 a.m at the latest. i could stretch it to 1 a.m. but i would wake up groggy as fuck. so far, i have 4 events lined up to attend (though i might have to skip one cos it overlaps another), and i'm nervous and excited all over again.

i mean yeah, at least i won't be stuck in this damn office all day, but it also means putting me in a situation where i'm basically like a deer in headlights. i don't do well with super social situations where i have no choice but to mingle with complete strangers, who will undoubtedly judge me by the way i talk and dress. WOW, no pressure AT ALL.

and networking, good GOD. i can't make small talk for the sake of small talk, or worse just so that i can impress/suck up to some fashion/media guru/whore. you get my drift.

oh well, i hope i can pull myself together. and just be as normal as i can.
wish lots of luck for the awkward black sheep.