a big, happy family photo... wee! i can't possibly tell you who's who for every single person in the photo, but hmm.. let's see. my mom is the lady in blue on the left. my grandma's sitting down on the right side, the kiddies in the front, my two other cousins are the fellas hiding behind the curtains on the left. (you can spot me, DUH. and bet you know where the bride and groom are.) alot af aunts in this pic. ^_^
Posted by Hello
here, you can tell who's me... and my grandmother is the one sitting on the right. she's so cute, i find! ^_^ (btw, the little girl on the extreme right corner is Wani Jr., as we call her. haha!)
Posted by Hello
i think i know my cousin will KILL me for putting up this picture. so please excuse him for the huge water stain on his shirt; he was busy helping out - can't be helped. heheh. personally, i think i look weird here. what do you think? hmm...
Posted by Hello
miss you.miss you.miss you.
i can say it a thousand, million - heck, even a billion, GAZILLION times - but it's never enough. i say it every night to You, i think it everyday when you're never around. but it's never enough.
the whole weekend was taken up by a relative's wedding. two days of going back to my roots, somewhat. and actually it wasn't that bad. the bride was GORGEOUS (pics up soon). funny that the bride's sister said i resembled her (the bride). haha... then when i went to take a closer look for myself, during photo-taking session, i was almost shocked to see an-almost-replicate reflection of myself (but made-up, MUCH prettier, fairer and taller, hehe). the bridegroom was looking freaking stressed out and nervous during the engagement ceremony. i was whispering to my mom that if i were the bridegroom, i would have passed out from the intense heat and overwhelming stress. then today was a lunch gathering from 11am - 5pm, under the void deck. in spite of the heavy rain, we made it in time JUST when the bridegroom was arriving, and the kompangs were playing. simply LOVE the sound of them. so after eating, me and my mom took over my aunt's place and helped out to give out the little gifts for the guests. pretty tiring standing in heels. blekk! i hung out with my favourite cousin, Nasser (yep, kuzzie, if you're reading this... NOW you know! hahaha)... and my "a lil' wacko" uncle. you see, he rounded up ex-students from his primary school to help out with clearing guests' plates and utensils. so they were like your stereotypical 13 and 14 year old "mats". and he even tried to introduce them to me... like HUH??? well, it seems like he's trying to introduce his students to my sister... damn. i don't know what to say seriously. even Nasser was saying he was acting like a paedophile. haha.. totally agree. don't know if he was just feeling cheeky or maybe his fever was affecting his better judgement. wahahaha. at least the live band that was playing was good; good enough for my cousin to start dancing and singing while packing up the food. -_- oh well, it was a great feeling overall, but even after all that:
a little encouragement can do wonders
okay, my previous entries have been mundane or dull... or like SOME ANON. person says, depressing. but today's going to be a little brighter.
comfort from my best friend, from You... have made a big difference to how i see things. even if it won't solve big things in time to come, for now it will do. it will do.
i know the huge physical distance that we have between us makes me more temperamental and bitchy. maybe even hostile. but when we DO meet, you know i just melt in your eyes. sorry for being so mean, and crying all the time. i know you've told me to be strong, more than once. and i'll try. i promise.whatever it is, wherever i go, you know it's always you i feel most at home with. bila aku pulang, bukan untuk aku, bukan untuk kamu - tapi untuk cinta. i don't know why i just typed that out, i just like it. ^_^
on another note, i miss my hunnies SOOO MUCH... haiz. why am i so unlucky that i don't get to see you girls when we ALL are free? sobs. Monday, May 23, 2005
this thing is SERIOUSLY killing me.
this "thing" is sheer depression. i've tried to prevent myself from thinking about too much. stop being overly paranoid. and avoid pessimistic thoughts as much as possible.
i've tried stuffing myself with chocs like a fucking glutton. i've tried keeping myself busy with whatever small errands i need to get done. and with what useful advice people have disepensed to me, i try and apply and take a pinch of salt with everything i hear. nothing has worked. and not knowing my immediate future doesn't help. it definitely doesn't fucking help.
i find it harder to smile. to laugh. to even crack a sincere joke. what's wrong with me?
i want to cry all the time. i just want to be by myself.
sometimes i'm so tempted to go back to old habits. my best friend would know what i'm talking about. the curiousity of pain. Thursday, May 19, 2005
can somebody please tell me why?
i'm fucking shagged today. sales were so good for me (in my opinion), that i tired myself out by lunch time - and to think business started only at 10 a.m. so much so, i didn't have a proper lunch. lunch was one bite, half an hour being busy, then another 2 bites or so. now my feet ache, my head has started throwing its own tantrum against my brain and i'm feeling so moody.
it's not PMS, because God knows, my cycle's almost ending. but i just feel like being alone, and crying myself to sleep. and hugging my stuffed cat, which resembles my Tigger SO MUCH.
then my dad surprised me with a dvd that my brother made of his skiing trip last february. complete with background rock music, and (i must say) really impressive directing. instantly, a familiar warm rush came to my insides and i felt so comforted, and just smiled. seeing my brother's smile, and missing the snowy mountains. damn, i want to go skiing again. but this time, i want to go along with my brother. i miss him so much. immediately, i felt better. i didn't feel so alone.
and one last thing before i end, can someone please tell me?
why am i being such a bitch, by throwing tantrums and being so emotional and selfish suddenly?
and why am i doubting things with You?
why did i even apologise to that guy... when i was supposed to tell him things are over?
why am i being such a horrible, ungrateful, self-centered and bitchy daughter and girlfriend? Tuesday, May 17, 2005
totally FUCKING helpless
helpless in just awaiting results. helpless in how i feel. about everything.
this entry, i will ramble. not because i want to. but because that's what i feel like doing. and feel like it's the only thing to do now.
it hurts. hurts to see. to hear. everything. people. stuff. you don't need eyes to see my pain. just hear my pain. i don't know where my head is now.
You've given me sheer joy. and utmost pain. and now, i'm lost in limbo. don't know if it's good or bad. and neither do i know if i can take it any longer. it just hurts right now. that's all i know.
maybe i love you too much; that's why my mind's screwed and my heart is just all over the fucking place. maybe i'm selfish and bratty and a plain old bitch. well, i never doubted i could turn out to be one. hate me for all i care. i hate myself too. sometimes i want to hate You too. but i can't. i don't think i will. because i can't bring myself to choose to do so. if this goes on, maybe i can TEACH myself to hate you. then again, education's got me fucked up in the first place, so that's out of the question. damn.
i'm a screwed up, fucked up, selfish, bratty and helpless girlfriend. Monday, May 16, 2005
a sudden slap
if feelings could punch you, i think we would be bruised black and blue by now. crippled. amputated?... haha. sorry, i'm talking shit. but seriously, with the amount of emotion one can suddenly feel at one instant moment, it's never a wonder how we always can pull through. because many a times it nibbles, stings, bites, tugs, tears, rips, stomps, break or even almost vapourise you to smitherins.
but right now, the only emotion that's floating on the surface for me, is a mixture of sheer sadness (like low morale) and - as-mushy-as-it-sounds-and-i-know-some-people-will-roll-their- eyes-at-me-for-being-so-cliche - so in Love.
sheer sadness coming from the absence of my acceptance letter from NTU. from having no money. from how, as a person, i've become today. from having my mom tell me, "once a week is still too much". from missing You so bad. from being fat.
on the other hand, so in Love coming from Yasin. i know how he always tells me that he does love me. and i've felt and heard how someone professes their feelings for someone they care for before. through gestures, through words. but never through tears. never. okay, maybe in movies. but to see it happen to me with my very own eyes - surreal. everything pieced together for me when i cried out what i really felt.
seeing you look at me that way made me realise you really do love me. not that i doubted before. but it showed me what you really mean to me, and likewise. i realised then what i failed to see in you ever before. you are real. and in spite of my weakness of being afraid and insecure of myself, it slapped me that i couldn't ever have the heart to break you, or hurt you; because in turn, it would only tear me up inside. i promise - i don't know what exactly yet. but i promise that it'll be me who'll keep you grounded, keep you sane (like you do for me) and love you the best i can. like you have.
Sunday, May 15, 2005
a weird sense of loss
i know i haven't lost anything. only time. but that happens to sting quite alot right now. yesterday, spending time with You seemed endless (in a good way, don't worry). and if i could, i wouldn't ever go back to where i came from.
then when you never want it to, reality slaps you - no, STABS you - to life, ironically enough. and then you think back to what you've been doing, even if it was for that entire week. you realise how exhausted you are from trying to please everyone. but yourself. what have you gotten in return that's fulfilled your day? what self-achievement have you garnered that you can be truly proud about recently? all i have seemed to do is please everyone around me except myself. i'm getting tired of it. i'm like a fucking boot-licker, in hopes of getting some ray of hope for my own time, or get what i want for a change.
i always go out of my way to suck-up to my mom, especially. and for what? YOU TELL ME. i can't remember anything other than always trying to please her. i try to please my sister. who's 6 years younger than me. shouldn't it be the other way around, if anything? i'm not saying everyone has to kiss my ass, but can i just get some form of favour returned to me, from those who i have LOYALLY and FAITHFULLY been SERVING? then i have to balance things out with Him. i'm not saying anything here, but i'm almost tired out. there has been moments - I WON'T LIE - that i have considered OUT. why you ask? because i don't know how long more i can tolerate people taking my generosity and kindness for granted and not getting anything in return. i don't know how long more i can TRY and maintain the balance. suddenly today i just feel so torn up inside. so broken. and there's no one to hold me together anymore.
and it hurts even more after i broke down in front of You. now you know my heart bleeds, maybe more than others. i'm just tired. FUCKING TIRED OF PEOPLE.
I'm a cranky, depressed, bitchy, fucked-up girl who has NO idea what the FUCK she's typing about. sorry. Thursday, May 12, 2005
crap. fuck. damn it.
can't believe it's already thursday. where did time fly to? down my ass. shit.
well, at least i didn't ENTIRELY waste my time. i got my material done - posted today. went for my theory lessons and practices. spent time with my sister and beloved bear. hehe. and managed to also (as you can remember) blow my monthly allowance in the first week. so now i'm down to eating at home, and more bumming around. because this crazy life needs money to operate obviously. and to add on, my menses just "popped" up this morning like uggh. (technically, i'm not really complaining, because at least i know my cycle is back to normal and it feels quite relieving - no wonder i felt shagged last night). cramps, bring it on. :-P
i must say, after reading a few people's blogs, it has set me thinking.
ronn, your entry on self reflection is something i find very true for myself at some point of time. i think there's always that moment after a whirlwind of events, that you stop breathing and realise you need to do things differently. need to SEE things differently. then take a deep breath and go on with a new perspective. i'm glad that somehow you've managed to handle your predicament (can i call it that?) somewhat and are holding on strong - not to Him, but just your faith that things will work out for themselves, be it bad or good. i know Faith has lead me to better places before. and i have Hope that it will continue to do so.
lynns, it's so sweet that you mention that you miss Him. the distance does kill. but you two are one of the sweetest couples i have known, and still know. ;-) i may not know the nitty-gritty of what goes on between you two, but all i can see and observe is that you have what it takes to go far. so far, as you've mentioned, there hasn't been anything that you two can't sort out, and that's already a blessing. i can only imagine how well the both of you will turn out if you hang on to the bond that you both share and always have Trust, Faith, Love, Commitment, Communication and Respect. i know personally that i seek those qualities and i hope i can get there one fine day.
what am i doing? preaching? ranting? i don't know. but i DO know i'm feeling sentimental right now. so, sorry guys for sounding irrelevant and boring. (maybe you can blame it on the period. heh.)
speaking of which, dear, you should know that i don't open up easily because it's only landed me in my own shit many times before. i mentally make a note that "thou shalt not trust any guy with my real feelings"... but i betray myself and that's when the crap comes falling - no, practically raining - into my lap. so give me time to be open about what i'm really feeling. it's not that i don't trust you, don't take it that way. about the issue of trust, things are not as easy as it may seem. i know you've been so patient with me, and i haven't settled things at all. but you shouldn't have any burden or fear of losing me. he means NOTHING to me. he's one of the reasons why i think shit about opening up my feelings so easily. but i can't push the blame on anyone else, i know. it just doesn't help to have people like that around.
man, i'm seriously starting to hate the word "trust". because people abuse it so fucking easily. FUCK ALL YOU HYPOCRITES!... sorry :-( Monday, May 09, 2005
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
Monday... with 6 more days to go
it's already Monday. CRAP. i can't believe it. and the only consolation i have is that i didn't waste any time on the weekends bumming around at home and turning into a couch potato. that was the very FIRST weekend in (i could probably truthfully say) YEARS that i've gone out 2 days in a row for the whole day. damn, it felt good.
since the forecast of my acceptance letter from NTU looks bleak, and i did have some prior interest in Australian universities, i checked out TMC's Monash University degrees at their Capitol Centre Campus Open House on Saturday. i'm particularly interested in their BA(Journalism). so, i'm definitely seriously considering that as Plan B, if all fails with NTU - which is probably very likely. then the rest of the day was put aside for Yasin and i couldn't have asked for anything else. no curfew, no interruptions. bliss. sheer heaven. cloud nine eh, baby? ^_^
then sunday, it was a rainy morning. but that didn't deter my plans to go shopping with my sister. and at the end of it all, i ended up with 3 tops, 3 pairs of shoes, a book, a cuff and my very first Levi's jeans (FINALLY!!!). at last, their Square Cut series suits me... i was getting pretty annoyed that all their previous ranges had nothing for my fleshy, fat self. so, all in all, the whole thing totalled to about $400 in expenditure (ugh, i hate using that word - so economics-ish :-P). and now i'm left with seventy-fucking-nine dollars in my account. (ronn, wanna challenge who's poorer now? ;-P) my mom is going to screw me upside down if she finds out i've blown my savings like that. and what's worse, me and my sister still have yet to get something for Mother's Day, for when my mom returns. so another mini round of shopping on Wednesday. SHIT. but at least i managed to bump into lynns at Bugis MRT.. hello!!! heehee~... finally saw youuuu!
oh well, it felt so good at the end of it, though my feet were aching. really wish i had Paris Hilton's moolah right about now. hehe.
thank you for a wonderful 10 hours. i couldn't have asked for more. you reassured me about everything, and made me realise how paranoid i can really get. see, told you i'm THE pessimistic and paranoid princess. hope work doesn't bog you down too much, because you know it aches to hear you so shagged at the end of the day. can't wait to see you real soon later this week - i can only imagine when i'll get this kind of opportunity again. sometimes saying "i love you" doesn't cut it; it's more than that. you should know, i more than just LOVE you. ^_^
a day to go... a day to go... i'm just counting down the days till my mom flies off to join my dad in San Fransisco. not that i'm being an bitchy, evil daughter wishing my mom away, but i SO want (erm, maybe even NEED) the break from her. we all can empathise with others who have to deal with naggy individuals from time to time, and honestly speaking, this is MY TIME. oh well, i still have yet to complete my material for NAC-SPH Golden Point Award 2005, which is due on 23rd May. yet, i can't seem to get any inspiration or simple ideas to hurl out. it's frustrating when you want a good piece, and your mind just buzzes with emptiness. and what's even more irritating is that it seems the entire population of students awaiting university entry has gotten GOOD news from the universities - EXCEPT ME. (i know that's like exaggerated, but it feels like that, okay?) NTU!!! PLEASE GET YOUR LETTER OF ACCEPTANCE TO MY MAILBOX NOW!!!... i'm really so afraid. the only real thing that perks me up - temporarily though - is that my sense of Faith has returned to me. maybe not Faith in my university application (that, i leave to Fate), but Faith in the belief that i can get through this - WE can do this. i don't know how, but we have to try. even if things fall apart eventually at the end of all our efforts, i guess i can only say, Fate managed to play its cards in its favour - as always. or in gambling speak, "the house always wins"; where in this case, the BIG house up there always wins.
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absence makes the heart grow fonder... HUH?
i seriously don't think it's true in all situations. definitely not in mine.
i find myself missing you less.
having more fun by myself - without thinking of you.
i know it's not anyone's fault. things are the way they are because THEY JUST ARE.
i do miss you. but just not in the same way i used to.
do i fear we'll disappear at the end of all this? i DO.
do i dread the non-existence of you? i DO.
do i still love you as much? i DOn't know.
lost. confused. scared. selfish. alone.
