Saturday, February 28, 2004
a lil' giddy & feels hungover
so... now i'm left with nil to do. or rather, i have nil mood to do anything. i know i have my geography assignments to do. and i should get to them, but i seriously feel SO jaded. must be the medicine i took a few hours ago. yup, went to the doctor again. man, i think this time my immune system really has given up on me. it's never been this bad, considering this IS the 3rd week i'm still down with the bug. and i've taken medical leave twice this year already. usually that's how many times i take medical leave in a whole year! boo-hoo... i think this is definitely not my year. :-(
on a lighter note, i finally managed to fix my comments linkage, as you can see. got rid of that screwed up, old... er... see, i even forgot the name. :-P now i'm using haloscan.com. hopefully it doesn't die on me. takes up so much friggin' time to fix all these unneccessary glitches. and i stayed up till 2 a.m last night just chatting on MSN Messenger, watching a tele-movie and yakking away on my mobile with that guy who fancies me. he's nice i guess. very easy to talk to... though he annoyingly always brought up my ex. *
frowns*
i've already made up my mind to stick to a belief of 'hating love'. how oxymoronic. -_- but, yea, right now i just want to hate that word. i spite people who are in love, who go bonkers over romance. i think Love is not for me. or maybe not for me at this point of my life. so, i'd better stay away from it, before it hunts me down again.
*
do i miss him? you tell me. i'm just pissed at him right now. everytime i want to open my mouth and say something, i feel like starting a verbal war. i feel so cheated, so short-changed; he always told me to open up to him - TRUST HIM - and i did. then when he had problems, he went into hiding and chucked me aside, like it's a sin for me to be concerned about him. what a fucking hypocrite.*
Friday, February 27, 2004
caught up in a whirlwind
well, lots of things have happened since the last entry. significantly, since my breakup, i've been surrounded by guys. be it friends or people who want to get to know me. not that i'm boasting, but it just feels that way. remember i had my Dramafest 2004 last friday? well, i asked my male friend to come and support us, and he brought along his friends. They commented that i looked Hot on stage. not that i'm boasting. again. i'm just quoting what he told me. particularly, one guy who took the initiative to get my handphone number from my male friend. and now we're sms-ing. he seems nice, but 1 small detail that makes a world of a difference: my best girlfriend used to have a crush on him (big time) last year, and nearly went to the extent of 2-timing her bf with him. i know it's all died down now (her crush on him i mean), but i have a very strong belief in not going for a guy who's been involved with your friend in any way that's more than "just friends".
so, we'll see how things go from here. and i've been chatting online with that male friend of mine almost every night on MSN Messenger. me and my ex are just classmates for now. i guess i'm coping, but i still melt at the way he calls my name. and when he wears his brown contact lenses. melt, melt, MELT. and his scent. omigosh, so sinfully sweet.
*
ok, so i'm not over him. but is that a crime? it hasn't been a month yet. so, i'm still allowed to "mourn". and i will allow myself to. as long as i don't pine for him. i MISS HIM SO MUCH. STILL. SO, SO, SO MUCH.*
grrr... this is useless. what a futile attempt.
Monday, February 23, 2004
i think i'm shedding my skin
i feel different. i don't know if this is how you're supposed to feel once you hit the big 18. yup, today's my 18th birthday. phew! it feels like a very 'responsible' age... but it was a sweet day nonetheless. being a monday and all, it was pretty tolerable. i got a card signed by the class and my two best gal pals got me a butterfly pendant and charm bracelet.
I SO LOVE IT!!! i love them too... they're really sweet gals... love them to bits!
i also managed to go over to giordano and get a 20% discount on a pair of low-rise jeans that i wanted for a long time (coz' it's my birthday)... yay! over the weekend i spent saturday night with my family at Pete's Place... and then on Sunday i went out with 3 of my other friends for pool and the movie, Gothika. the movie was okay i guess.. pretty predictable.. 2.5 - 3 out of 5...
the surprising thing today was that my ex treated me to mcdonald's lunch. it was really unexpected considering that we are still at that awkward stage of mending our friendship. and i also got to see that guy who... wait, i haven't told you yet. well, me and my gals were hanging out at mcdonald's after school one wednesday afternoon. and there was this cute guy working there. so after 2 hours of sitting there, eating and gossiping, my friends finally realised he and i have been exchanging smiles since we sat down... he's adorable! then after teasing me for another hour to get more chilli sauce and buy more drinks (just to see him), he was on his break and he actually gave me his number! well... that's the bottomline of the story. so today i got to see him again... thing is, he's not a malay mat like i thought. he's an indonesian who's here on attachement... and i was SO reluctant to carry on our friendship or any kind of contact, coz' it's like so
dirty?? i don't know... like an affair with an illegal immigrant or something. jeez... but he's soooo cute. i was telling my friends it was a waste of a good face... SIGH. yup, and i had a treat of ice-cream. yummy!
BLAH! a whole paragraph of crap right? but at the end of the day, i realised one thing. i'm slowly getting over him. yup, i realised that it's more of his loss than mine. my sis asked on my behalf if he misses me (on MSN). and he said yes. sometimes alot. sometimes a little. it doesn't really bother me anymore. of course i still have some sort of feelings for him, but it's not major feelings, you know. i love him. quite a bit. still.
*hmm... when will i totally get over him... i wonder...*
Saturday, February 21, 2004
it's not over
i had my drama fest 2004 this evening. my gal pal got best actress award. i'm SO proud of her. her tear-wrenching (is there such a term?) performance moved me and the rest of the girls in the cast, to tears, when her character committed suicide. she's DAMN good. she deserves it. thank God it's over though. been coming home so late... and no rest or time to do any real homework properly. and just when i thought i was really starting to get over him, i saw him tonight. all made up and styled up his hair for his character. he looked
GORGEOUS. in my eyes at least. all those feelings rushed back to me like an audrenalin. and when his character had to make out, i was green. then when it was time to go back, and he left a little earlier than me, i was alone at the benches. reflecting. and broke down. i just went over to my friend (the one who won best actress award), and hugged her, just trying to say through my sobbing: 'i miss him so much'.
and i thought i could get through this. but i don't think i can. it's exactly a week ago. it feels like a month at least. i still feel the way i did when we were happy. i still love him very much. deep down inside. even when i'm putting up a facade, it burns. like always.
Tuesday, February 17, 2004
I don't remember it like This
I miss him So Much.
SO MUCH. to the point that it hurts. hurts and pierces me deep, deep down inside. there are so many times i want to go over to him and just take a whiff of his sweet, sweet scent. i stare at the nape of his neck and i want to be the one who massages his worries away. i gaze at his fingers and i want to entwine mine in his. just like old times.
i feel so lost without him. i pine for him. though i don't weep for him. but the pain i feel, is for him. that's real. i know he'll never return. and i have to move on. like he has. but right now, i feel like this is the only thing - the only way - for me to deal.
i know it's only make believe that he has some sort of liking left towards me. but sometimes you have to have faith in something so small, just to keep you grounded. keep you SANE. and for me, right now, this is it. whether it's true to any extent, only God knows.
I miss you so much. I just want a million hugs and a lifetime of smiles to last me forever - just for me.
Sunday, February 15, 2004
A new life... somehow
it's over. yup, he broke it off with me on the 13th. Friday the 13th. the day before St. Valentine's. jeez. -_- but i don't know why i didn't manage to breakdown and cry when he told me over MSN Messenger. but i feel the loneliness and emptiness catching up with me now. i miss him like Hell. although we promised no grudges and he'll love so much as a friend. he told me that he stopped loving me for some time already. that REALLY threw me off guard. though i kept telling myself that. i didn't actually WANT it to be true.
i'm coping. i brokedown in my room on St. Valentine's morning. before i headed down to breakfast to got to school. but he gave me a gift. it was a water flask. rainbow striped. just like my literature notebook. i
LOVE it. just like i Love him. i do. i still do. very much so. i'll just have to do it from afar. so... we lasted 4 mths and 4 days. jeez, i actually counted. he said our relationship brought about the awkwardness. i think it's just the fact that he prioritises his reputation before anything else. if that makes him happy, i guess i can't change that. he's damn stubborn. but that don't change the way i feel about him.
i miss every happy moment we had. especially the times he fed me in the dark cinema. he grabbed my hand the very first time. when he asked me to close my eyes and brought my hand up to feel his stubble. and i chuckled in glee. like a small girl getting candy. when he held me close under the tiny umbrella in the rain. when i lay my head on his shoulder to rest, and he laid his head on mine. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. even though i see him at least 5 times a week. most importantly, i STILL love him.
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
how many times is this vicious cycle gonna turn?
it's like God is teasing me with merely sprinkling happiness in my life sparingly. it's like He's reluctant to give it to me. only coz' He IS God... that's why He has to be fair. to some extent. i'm not going against God. but they all said He'll be there when you are in doubt, pain, sorrow and in need of a prayer. so i guess i'm taking this opportunity to vent my anger.
my bf had a dream. did i hear you say that's good? well, not when his dream is about us breaking up. and he didn't tell me till just now. and i finally figure out why he's been ignoring me today. but how about yesterday? he ignores me almost everyday. i can't help but think that we're seriously not working out. as much as i want to hold on to us, i have to let go. i thought i could handle it. but i don't think i can. i have to deal with it seriously. i have to face depression, denial, whatever. he's hurting me so much, and i still love him. don't you find that stupid and naive? i'll give us a little more time... we'll see. i don't want to do this. but i have to learn to take the pain. like i always have.
Sunday, February 08, 2004
Strangely Enough
i feel out of place today. for the first time, on a Sunday, i miss school. i can't wait to go to school tomorrow. maybe it's because tomorrow marks our 4th month together. but i know nothing special will happen. because nothing ever does. and he only wishes me a simple "Happy __ month!" at the end of the day, at night. that's all. through sms. the rest of the day is like any other. i'm pretty sad about that, because i find it significant, like i do every month. but he told me in advance that he doubts he will get me anything for Valentine's Day. due to his lack of belief in it. bummer, BIG TIME. but i don't care. i'm still doing something sweet for him. and if i really love him, i shouldn't expect anything in return.
still. it really IS a let down. :-( well... at least we're back on track on our relationship, and i guess i have to be thankful enough for that itself. i missed him alot this weekend. and not having any real homework to do, makes my mind more vacant and makes it wonder to him effortlessly. there was a nudging, tugging feeling last week on the bus. my face was so close to his that i felt almost so sure that i was going to kiss him there and then. but something held me back. but it was my first time i told him my true feelings on the spot. we were talking about how people sweet talk and woo their crushes and he was saying something like, "yea, so you can try and flirt with him." (in reference to advice given to my best gal pal - she's crushing hard on her classmate. but she wasn't, like, with us at that time). then my response was, "i don't have to"... "why?"... "coz' i already have you!" then he was like "okay, don't say anymore, in case i explode". he was totally blushing, and so CUTE!
SIGH... i guess i'll have to wait out a little more for me to make my move. i just need enough time to muster up the courage. damn. i wish he was here with me now. so i could smell his scent... and just never snap out of my daze.
*DREAMING*
Saturday, February 07, 2004
Embrace of Life
i feel like i died and someone gave me a second chance to live. i thought i could never get through that "cold" period. he brought me up when he smsed me during class that he really wanted to go home with me. AND wanted to sit next to me during Geography tutorial. we talked and talked about everything under the sun, like we've never talked before. it was like opening a whole new chapter of a fresh friendship. it felt like heaven blessed me.
then he smsed me that he wanted to start anew. all over again. it felt liberating. like my wings were finally light enough to take off.
since then, our conversations have been so "high". like we have a million things to say. i don't regret waiting ffor him through all that pain. it was worth it. every single breath, every single tear i shed. all worth the sacrifice. I LOVE HIM.
about his parents, so far he's been handling it okay i guess. i try not to probe. because that's the last thing i should do, especially during this new chance i got. maybe God DOES forgive me. for everything i've done wrong. i'll definitely treat him better. and when i feel the urge to let him know i seriously care, i'll tell him. no more holding back my feelings. i'll never know when God decides to take him away from me again. maybe next time, it'll be too late.
Monday, February 02, 2004
falling apart. slowly. painfully.
it's not getting any better. i've had my high moments about 2 days ago. cuz' he felt high that friday. and actually CALLED me. for the first time in the whole week. i thought that was a sign of hope, faith. it wasn't. it only stood for the last moment that i could savour to hear him so happy, talking to ME. i want to cry 24/7.
this morning i was supposed to follow my classmates to watch 'Nicholas Nickleby', as part of "homework" that our literature tutor wanted us to do. highly recommended. but after getting his smses last night, i woke up jaded and depressed. no mood to go out. and furthermore, it was raining. what dramatic irony. but one thing that makes me feel that we can really help save both our souls, is the reason for his dilemma.
his folks found out about us. and they are extremely disappointed in him. thing that made me even more sad was that he said he didn't want to tell me earlier because he felt that this burden is a way of punishment for him, for all his past sins. does that mean that my entry into his life is a punishment? that i brought along pain into his otherwise perfect life?... can't help feeling that i am. I AM. i've been through this problem twice before. and both ended up in a fallout. what makes this one so different? furthermore, he lives up to his reputation. filial piety. it's his #1 priority. can't stop him that way. i suggested less calls and more talk in school. but he didn't even reply to that.
i SO regret not holding his hands. hugging him. telling him I LOVE YOU to his face, right into his eyes. doing everything i could to show him how much he meant to me. now all those "inspirational" quotes that blab on about "If you love a person, tell him/her how you feel; because you never know when they'll be gone" actually make sense to me. NOW i know how sore it can feel. and to think i told him that all i want for my b'day this month is HIM. it still IS HIM. and this year it looks like i'm going to have an Invisible Valentine. i carry him wherever i go. i don't think i've ever loved anyone as much as i have loved him. never sacrificed as much as i have for him. never been so involved with anyone as much as him.
i don't hate his parents. but he's turning 18 for pete's sake. and he's a GUY. male species. hardworking one for that matter.
your son loves you. he'll never let you down intentionally. you should see him at school. he's already in the admiration of so many people. you should be SO proud of him. i know i am. let him prove himself to you.
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