ironically
funny enough, the day i have my last deadline for my last assignment, and it finally feels like holidays have officially started... that is the day i feel things have started to go even more downhill.
i thought, the lack of food and sleep, not seeing You, arguing with You constantly, the headaches, the stress... was all bad. but now, i would have all that back if i could trade it in for what 'home' now means to me.
it's so cold here. so clinical and sterile, if i can say so. everyone's so icy towards the other, and i don't know how to react to it. should i be for this change or against it? should i be indifferent or actually try to make things better?
all i know is, it's going to be tough. the only thing that makes me realise that there's still someone i can turn to, is your lingering smell on my skin when i showered. i could still smell You around me, even in the kitchen. then tears formed in my eyes. i can't believe how pathetic i sound. it's so low.
but all i can think of is being away from here. somewhere better, where i don't have to feel unwelcome and uncomforted.
i want to go home. but where is that? Sunday, October 30, 2005
hmm...
well, i've officially done ALL my assignments! yay!... but somehow i'm still feeling a little desperate. i know what from; desperate to find a job.
i HAD one waiting for me, but now i don't. because she happened to quit. damn. why couldn't she have quit after i got hired?
now i have a back-up in mind, but that's not very reliable. now i'm panicking. because i really want to work pretty badly. all to get away from staying at home, hearing the tyrant go on and on and on.
so if you guys know of any connections, let me know soon okay? i really need it, and will be much appreciated! ^_^ Thursday, October 27, 2005
i don't know.
i don't know. i don't know anything about You suddenly. i have blur images of our first date buzzing through my mind. i smile at them.
i remember when You took my hand. that fuzzy feeling. i remember when You took my picture. blushes and hot flushes. i remember when You hugged me. again that fuzzy feeling.
then You kissed me. wow.
but now... now... now... right now... sigh. what's happened to us? i cry at every memory because of how sweet they were. i want them back. i want You back.
please come back. please. please.
my tears may roll, the burden it tolls. the days pass by, and the more i cry.
i'm so fucking weak. i want someone to tell me we're okay. Tuesday, October 25, 2005
how does it feel?
to discover that the One you love hasn't yet to accept who you are, quirks, flaws and all imperfections about you. i only have one word: ouch.
a huge OUCH.
then you start to question, which part of you do they love?
it feels horrible. feels like shit.
as i lay here, crying my eyes out till they are beyond swollen, that's the question i ask myself. what the fuck am i doing with You? i so need out. this is bad for me. for us.
and no, i don't care if i sound exaggerated. i don't fucking care. yea, You heard me... as always, You say i don't care. go ahead and chastise me like You always do. this is just ruining us, as two very different people. bye. Sunday, October 23, 2005
feel totally ugghhh...
ever studied or done assignments continuously and so intensely till you actually developed a fever and a headache?
no? yes?
well, today i did. and i still have that banging in my head, and a feverish body. shucks.
i know. it's all psychological. of course, i know, there's no way to contract a fever just by STUDYING. but even as i try to relax, it just won't go away. i know my sister gets a real bad fever when she over stresses herself during exam periods. and it can even turn into an actual "flu-and-cough" kind of sickness. weird huh? maybe it runs in the family. heh.
whatever it is, i feel like total shit right now. and to think i still have editing to do before i hand in 1 out of 3 of my assignments which are due next week, tomorrow. i can't stand sitting in front of the computer anymore. arrrghhhh.
6 hours rotting here and counting.
a drug, that's what You are
it's really amazing how a person can make you feel the same way you would feel if you were hooked onto pot or some other form of drug. i'm only guessing it's somewhat the same, from what i understand of how withdrawal symptoms are supposed to feel like.
that's exactly what i feel like. whenever i know i'm going to see You, and when i do finally see You, i get high and euphoria fills me. most, if not all, my problems will suddenly vanish and become non-existent. then when i know it's time for me to go home, and what's worse, the next day, i feel low, miserable and utterly depressed. it's a like a real bad emotional hangover. i think i seriously suffer from symptoms of You.
i can't imagine my life without You. okay, maybe due to the fact that i've grown used to having You around, but most importantly, the fact that everything we do seems magical. like i still can't believe it's real. i'm not kidding. nearly 7 months on, and You still have that "blushy" effect on me. like our first date. i'm still shy around You sometimes, and afraid of embarrassing myself in front of You. if only it could last forever.
the week ahead looks bleak. and though i know Hari Raya is less than 2 weeks away, there's a gut feeling i have that tells me this year will be lousy or even totally suck. i don't know; i'm just not looking forward to Hari Raya this year. i really don't know why. Friday, October 21, 2005
i couldn't care less
right now, all i think is to tomorrow. i don't care if next week will be horrible or boring. i just want to see You. all i want is You right now. i can, yet again, feel Your strong arms hugging me. Your soft lips kissing my temple. Your smile melting me. everything about You, i want. i need.
one week (actually 5 days) of handling the bazaar at Cold Storage Jelita at Holland Road was definitely tiring. phew. thank God it's over. and i've already calculated that i'll be getting about $85 for my effort. well, that's barely $17 per day and a pathetic $1+ per hour. see how calculative i am. haha. my mom just laughed at me. but i guess, when you run your own business, you got to expect decent returns, not extravagant profits. so i'm just happy i'm getting paid. heehee.^_^
i'm still wiggling in my seat for tomorrow. like i said, i don't care about anything else right now. i just can't believe that i'm able to see You - given all the work i have. wee. i'm one happy hamster. *wink, wink* ^_- Thursday, October 20, 2005
epitome of my love.^_^
Tuesday, October 18, 2005about myself
To Know Me: Pisces, the drifter: My head may be in the clouds, but that may be what's putting me in touch with my inner self — and yours. When you're with me, it can often seem like an out-of-body experience....
Is to Love Me: Don't be frightened off by my generosity. Don't feel it's insincere, either. I have trouble making decisions, but your gentle persuasion will open me up!
Read My Mind: I'm not into people bringing me down. Don't write me off as too simple — I'll get what I need through sheer tenacity. Read My Lips: Show me some affection.
i know it's pretty nonsensical to believe all this astrology or star sign prediction stuff, but i can't help it that whenever i read the daily or monthly horoscopes, or zodiac compatibilty, it always tends to lean towards a pretty accurate reading. coincidence or me just trying to bluff myself into believing?
my sign in summary is a water sign. hence, most qualities portrayed will be soft and 'floaty' - which equals to the way i am. i'm too nice for my own good, but everyone just steps on me because of that. damn them. this world is already lacking of nicer, more courteous and civic minded people. how come it's a bad thing to be nice?
reading glamour magazine today was refreshing somewhat. the articles they have are definitely more 'open', in the sense that writing about issues like sex is like making a report; down to the nitty gritty details. there are even personal accounts of couples who are willing to share what they wrote in their diary about their sexcapades. ooo.. JUICY! sorry, it's just me being a GIRL. and since we're being honest here, i must say, it IS pretty interesting. definitely gets your imagination going. heehee... ok, fine, i'd better stop here before i get carried away.
i only can think of getting carried away with one person. ^_^ Monday, October 17, 2005
i really can't believe my 'luck'
i was feeling a bit better today, though extremely shagged. i only got 3 hours of sleep in total last night, due to my increasing 'habit' of insomnia.
hearing Your voice really comforts me.
but then i had to come home to crap news. today my Documentary assignment was due. but i had to work with my mom. so i couldn't make it. naturally i e-mailed my guy friend my essay and whatever necessary information he needed, so that he could hand it in for me. the thing is, my school requires students to print a cover page (which is given by the school via our e-campus thingie) and put our particulars like student ID number, contact number and even a signature to verify all work is original and has 'obeyed' all guidelines. thing is, i couldn't possibly sign my cover page because i wouldn't meet my friend, only e-mail him my work. and 'lucky' me had to have my scanner down, so no scanned-in signature possible.
so lalala, my friend went to hand in my work for me today. and guess what?
when he honestly told my bitch of a lecturer that i couldn't sign it because i was working today, she said marks will be deducted. what the fuck? it's just a bloody signature for God's sake! and then she also mentioned, "what's going on people? i've been waiting for you since 9 a.m.!" hellooooo, did someone not remember that she mentioned today's class was optional and assignments can be handed in anytime before 12 p.m.??? to add to all this very funny humour, they were required to fill in a feedback form about the lecturer, in this case 'the bitch'. so it has a scale of 1 to 5, 1 being poor and 5 being excellent. feedback forms are meant to be anonymous right? well, little miss "i'm-so-perfect" read every one of the forms as they were handed back to her, and she criticised the way she was graded, if it wasn't up to her expectations. "i expect 4s and 5s." huh???
and what's worse, when one of the china girls gave her 1s and 2s... she just said, "you are supposed to grade me, not yourself." OMG OMG OMG. and all the china girl could manage was, "i was grading you."
need i say more?
AARGGHHH! Saturday, October 15, 2005
i didn't think it would affect me this much.
even as i sit here, the tears just won't stop. and i don't care anymore.
even though it's petty, pathetic and lowly of me to do so, i am going to cry my eyes out till i'm satisfied.
my heart just feels so heavy, so depressed, so miserable. i can't take it; it feels like i'm going to explode and implode at the same time.
why can't i see You? why do i have to be so fucking busy? You're the only thing i can honestly look forward to every week, that will turn out beautiful.
i really can't take this misery. ya, i know... some of you can go, "jeez, so melodrama for what? not like he died or something! or even moved across the world and never coming back!"
i know. i'm a drama queen sometimes. maybe even subconsciously, all the time. but try imagining yourself not being able to see the one you love for an entire month, especially when he/she is so near (in terms of proximity) and yet so far. it's so stupid right? it's almost like not being to see your neighbour who lives just across your front door, but with the intense feelings of love for him or her. okay, maybe not a very good analogy, but i think you know what i mean.
i feel so helpless. i'm just so upset and frustrated.
i try to never let You hear the silent tears i cry over the phone because there's nothing You can do. i say i'm fine because You can't do anything to make me feel better. i don't tell You how i honestly feel because i don't want You to regard me as such a ditz, drama-mama and overly pathetic and petty. i don't want to depend on You. i want to pretend i can still stand on my own two feet, with my heavy heart in my hands. sometimes, it's good if You don't give a damn about me, because that was how my life was like before You - no one really loved me the way You do now. it's good that some things remain the way they are meant to be. so please, if anything, i guess You can love me less... but never more. because i won't be able to get away from Your drug called Love.
because that's suicide.
Friday, October 14, 2005
i told you, didn't i?
i knew my good week was going to end in ruins and misery. see i told you. now i just realised i can't hand in my assignment on monday myself because i'm already starting to work with my mom the ENTIRE week. for 12 hours every fucking day. and i have 3 more assignements due the week after. how the fuck am i supposed to go to the library and find material? and how am i supposed to sit in front of my computer and get typing, when i get home, totally shagged out? i foresee sleepless nights, and miserable, terrible days ahead.
what's worst is that no seeing You for almost a month.
let's break it down:
this weekend, i have to help my mom prepare for next week and do my work.
the weekend after, i have 3 assignments due during that following week, so no chance of meeting.
the week thereafter, it's nearing hari raya, so it's kind of "assumed" my mom will want me home to make kueh with her.
and all weekdays are out of the question because you work every single day.
how depressing can this be? i feel like just crying, but i know it's petty and useless. shit. i've not felt so helpless in a long time. i feel like throwing a tantrum, but nothing will change. why does this have to happen? and to think it's already the start of my holidays. shit. fuck. fuck. FUUUUUCCCCKKKKK!!!!!
i just want to rewind to tuesday and replay it again and again and again and again and again and again... Thursday, October 13, 2005
a reply
*this extract is courtesy of and totally credited to iskandar. hope you don't mind, is. thanks for using my words too. i really don't mind because i'm just as confused as you are.
And i realize, its not because im trying to impress or expecting things to be rosier after a while, its because i love the teddy bear in my pocket to the extent that i believe i will lose my state of mind were she to be taken away from me one day and this feeling of such need and want allows me to sacrifice my own emotions and needs to make her happy. I am happy doing what i do. Im glad to tackle problems head on though the heartache is less desirable. But what is important is that i keep her happy at the expense of my own cause to be honest, though cliche, when shes happy, I am happy.
hmm... well, i must say then, azura is lucky to have you. and for my own, is this Your answer too? is this why You're with me till now?
today was good. eating and shopping. lots of laughter. and to think my assignment deadline is postponed to monday instead of tomorrow. double joy. wee. ^_^ Wednesday, October 12, 2005
thanks my dears...
it's ironic. when lynns left a tag on my board and said that my entries sometimes leave her with tears in her eyes. and she told me to hang on and HOPE. then i read carine's tag, and i, instead, got teary-eyed. thank you my dear girls for "being there" for me, although we haven't met for eons! i know what you mean... i have to tell him VERBALLY how much he means to me, if not he won't really know. i mean, he can read off my blog, yes, but hearing those words from the one you love has much more meaning. thank you so much. *sniffle*
and to my Yogi Bear:
yesterday wasn't only fun. it was unforgettable. i don't think i'll be able to spend so much time with You like that in a long time. it was sweet, special and magical. from the moment You came to pick me up, to the moment You left me, i couldn't have asked for more. every second, every minute, every hour... was worth it. thank You for showering me with all the attention, all the love i could have asked for. and thank You for the shoes. ^_^
this week has been good to me thus far. how long more? Monday, October 10, 2005
the explosion
okay. so we exploded last night. and truthfully, i was ready to let it all go. i think You would've too, if it really came to that point. i really thought, 'this is it'.
there are so many things i wish i could've said, to make myself clearer to You. but i think there's no more sense in saying anything else. it's over.
it's so funny... the way i can immensely hate You so much, swearing that i wish i never, ever knew You. and the next, i can't imagine my life without You.
all i want now, is to see You - face-to-face - and just give You a big hug. words fail me right now. i just want to hold You.
You still have not answered my question, "why me?". i really want to know especially since after all this, what makes You stick around with me? someone who's done more damage and hurt than happiness and comfort. You said it yourself, i never care about how You feel. so why are You with me, if i don't care? if i never make You happy? if i always disappoint You? if i'm everything You don't want? Sunday, October 09, 2005
reflective
this weekend has been a total bore. BORE, i tell you. stuck at home for two days straight just trying to complete ONE fucking assignment, which is a major essay worth 1500 words. the thing that takes so long is the reading of my lecture material as well as further research. that alone took the ENTIRE saturday. what the hell. and to think i have 3 more major assignments due this month. it just kills me. furthermore, one of them is 2500 words worth. shit. i'm so screwed. 27th october, please hurry up. i can't wait to start working after Hari Raya.
hmm... other than being overwhelmed by school work, i still have a class test tomorrow, which i haven't even studied or prepared for! i'm screwed even more! shit.
hmm... i've been thinking alot about US. and yes, i apologise once again for ignoring You. i refused to let myself message or call You, for fear that it might just distract me from thinking things through thoroughly (what an alliteration, eh?). but i'm glad i did what i did. because it let me "consult" my friends for advice, comfort and reassurance... which led me to the conclusion that You're the one i want right now. and i will want, for a long, long, LONG time. You've been so patient with my shit. i really wonder why. i'm pretty sure there are other babes out there who can give You everything and far more than me.
why me?
i know those of you who have helped me along the way won't be reading this, but nonetheless, i wish to say THANK YOU. you guys have really been of so much reassurance to me, and made me realise what i have and what i had all this while. cheers to you! ^_^
i just want to see You on tuesday. please don't remain mad or disappointed with me. i want You to smile because of me. forever. Thursday, October 06, 2005
can you believe it?
well, fasting month has arrived and so far the only thing i can complain about is the lack of sleep. i can sleep anywhere. so, i was already feeling so stretched out prior to this fasting month, and now, it's just taking even more toll on me. i sleep on the way to school, in class, on the way home, when i get home... even when i went over to my friend's place to look through reference books and look through my notes, with the rest of the gang! i lay my head on her big, white mashi maro stuffed toy and dozed off right there and then, on the couch, in front of her television set!!!OMG. and to think my two guy friends were sitting on both sides of me, and just teasing me... making fun of me and all. uggh.
i can't help it...
and what's more dpressing... is that i'm gaining weight from all this lack of food. stupid huh? when i was eating regularly, as per normal, i could maintain my weight, and even slightly lose weight if i watched what i eat. but now that i'm literally STARVING myself, i've gained a kilo!!! die. and it's only the second day of fasting. damn.
on to something that has no link whatsoever... heehee, i watched "Farenheit 9/11" for my Documentary class today. so funny... i love Moore's sarcastic take on Bush's handling of 9/11. so my type of humour! i know it's been out for like, a LONG time (yaarr.. i'm lagging), but for those who haven't watched it, i really recommend it! now i want to try and watch that McDonald's documentary "Super Size Me". i think documentaries are pretty cool, especially if it's from a very unique perspective.
oh, and back to what else makes me unhappy, i woke up on time this morning, only to be late, yet again, for the THIRD day in a row! stupid jam PLUS 174 breaking down in the middle of the jam at 8.45 a.m. just when i needed to reach school at 9 a.m. shit. oh well, as long as the lecturer doesn't blacklist me, i'm fine. it's not my freaking problem anyways. this time around, it's really not my fault!
hmm... i guess, that's pretty much it for miserable happenings in my life so far. haha!
one thing i know is that, in spite of the misery our arguing causes, i'll never stop loving You. i'll never get over You. because You've made me addicted to your love. Monday, October 03, 2005
b.r.e.a.k.d.o.w.n.
i hate people who, when they don't get their way or when things don't go their way, start whining and moaning and groaning and wailing and throwing tantrums and screaming and shouting.
unfortunately, i know someone like that. who is under the very roof i am supposed to call "home".
if someone else under this roof, other than this person, has had a bad day... or is just a tad moody, and starts showing a glum face or is not very reactive in terms of emotions, this person will blast the moody person for sulking so much and shout at them to quit acting like a baby. however, when this person starts acting as mentioned above, the entire group of people under this roof has to be sympathetic (empathetic if they could), concerned, caring, tactful, generous and feeling towards this person. what a load of fucking shit.
what kind of crap family works that way? family? family? what family?
i've tolerated all the unfairness that goes around, under this roof. be it unfairness towards me or others under this roof. and i seriously don't know how long i can tolerate it anymore. it makes me sick that some people are so fucking selfish and they don't even see it. even when it comes to apologising later on, the apology comes with conditions and 'buts' and 'then agains'. shit. if sorry is conditional, then shut your pie-hole. i'd rather not talk to you.
i've had a long day too. i have work to do. and i was about to start. till you called me to help. now, i still haven't started, and instead, here i am bitching. i just want to get my work done. now i don't know if my eyes can keep open so that i may TRY to do something of a certain standard tonight.
i think now i know PART of the reason why i'm so tired. all thanks to you. i just want time alone. why is my alone time always ruined by you?
still tired.
i really don't know what's happening to my body.
lethargic all the time. everyday. even weekends.
and since fasting month is creeping up real soon - in 2 days, HELLO! - i think i'll be even more worn out. the lack of sleep and obviously, food, is just going to drain me out. i can literally end up dozing off anywhere, if you just let me be with nothing to do - or even when i DO have things to be done! in the bus, on the train, in class. on really bad days, i can even fall asleep standing up! shit. someone please help me.
mentally, i've told myself i need to get things done. i need to start my work. but just look at me. i'm here, aren't i? and that only means one thing. nothing has been done.
Sunday was magical. laughing. tickling. the love. the warmth. Your smile. Your eyes. kissing Your soft, soft skin. i love every inch of You. i wish to hold You close for all eternity. thank You for making number 6 so sweet. even though we have our differences, one thing that i hope remains the same, will be the love we have for each other. always. ^_^ muacks!
