The signal is subtle
We pass just close enough to touch
No questions, no answers
We know by now to say enough
With only simple words
With only subtle turns
The things we feel alone for one another

There is a secret that we keep
I won't sleep if you won't sleep
Because tonight may be the last chance we'll be given
We are compelled to do what we must do
We are compelled to do what we have been forbidden

So I won't sleep if you won't sleep tonight

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

i do miss.

miss what?

stupid me. naive and stupid me.

miss him. miss them. miss him more.

just feels like there's alot to miss nowdays. like the days are just being lived with lots of emptiness and a quiet sense of sadness.

talking to someone about my very deepest thoughts have never, ever come easy. but with my baby, it's a tad easier, though never smooth sailing.

and then there are your friends. who want to give you their listening ear, but there's never really enough time to show them how much you appreciate their time and friendship.

and at the end of the day, you still miss them.

so it's back to square one.

i miss him. i miss them. and i miss him even more.
till it stings.

tired, but smiling

25 laps in approximately 35 minutes.

:D

bowling tomorrow morning at Chevrons.

:)

3 days (not 4, sadly), with my honey.

;-D

weeeeeeeee.

the musical "GREASE" is bright, entertaining, humourous, lively.
indoor stadium is fucking cold. even when half-filled with people. Sunday, May 28, 2006

another note

well, i had to re-do the collage of narcissistic pics i did of myself, due that ONE SINGLE "CONTROVERSIAL" picture. sheesh.

but i know when to oblige and be humble about it, and when not to allow others to tread on my grounds. so i willingly took it down and re-did it.

on another note, i can't wait for this week to reach wednesday. all because i'll be spending 4 days in a row with my baby. finally!

hee. :D

FACEts Of Me

the works of a bored, pessimistic narcissist. :)
  Saturday, May 27, 2006

our night at clarke quay

food was oh-so-yummy. but service sucked! but i was just glad You - we -
were there. and thank You, for the letter. i love it. :)

 

gratitude

after spending some quality, stress-free time with a dear friend of mine yesterday just shopping and dwelling on issues that are pretty rhetorical, considering that it's bound to happen in our lives one way or another, i managed to fully grasp the worth of a single entity - a person. we take people for granted everyday, whether we like to admit it or not.

and we step into denial every time the person may leave us, saying it was their fault, or the circumstances were unavoidable. but once you're really free to dig deeper than just scratching the surface, we find the truth in ourselves. that this world lacks understanding. and not just the mere, "oh, yea, i understand you" type of white lie. but real acceptance and deep respect that only comes with true understanding. and that was what made me sit up, and see a whole different point of view in my relationship.

there can be many times you realise many things about a friendship, relationship, a bond, or even an encounter. but when you're so close to a single person, who find it hard to deny the fact that your life somehow depends on that person, almost entirely. and that is scary.

but at the same time, comforting. because you know you mean the world to just one single person. and that evokes the purest form of gratitude. well, for me, at least, it does.

i told You last night, that i don't only love You. but i mean i really, really Love You. and when i came to realise it would be hard to let You walk out of my life just like that, i knew You had hit me really hard. there is no way in hell that You could just walk out on me now. or ever. and i'm blessed enough to know You feel the same as i do.

as mushy and sacchirine sweet as it may sound, this is the honest truth. and i don't wish to deny something this powerful or sincere. because a love like this, has never been brought into my life. ever. and i thank God for every day that You've become a part of me.

Thank You, Yasin. Tuesday, May 23, 2006

ranting and raving

i can't take it. i just can't take it anymore.

my heart's too heavy. my tears can't flow against the current. my mind's buzzing with premeditated thoughts of just ending this.

i feel so helpless. words can't fix this. my pleas and begs can't sway this.

You've put a plug on my emotions, saying i can't complain anymore about You being so busy. but that's not me. it will never be me. and if You can't accept that i get upset over this matter, then maybe we should rethink if our lives are really meant to gel.

You have no right to say i'm not understanding. there have been dozens of times i sacrificed my time, my feelings, my space, not forgetting lying for You, just to make time for You. and when i ask You to sacrifice even a little extra of Your time, You make it sound as though it's a chore. a hassle. You reluctantly say, "i'll try."

yes, You work. i don't. that i understand. but don't You dare say i don't understand, or don't even try to make the effort. because i know i fucking do.

there have already been so many nights i stay up wondering if You would be willing to make the same sacrifices for me, given the chance. and i know, due to Your priorities, You will never.

i love You to death. and at the same time, You kill my feelings. and the only way to deal with it, is for me to become numb.

numb to the pain You cause. numb to the countless arguments we have. numb so that i won't have to deal with not having the right to express myself to You. because it hurts to know, as Your significant other, i'm disallowed to share what i truly feel with You. even if it disappoints You.

i don't feel whole with You anymore.
i feel broken.
and not seeing You, makes me feel transparent.
You make me feel so downright fucking ugly.

a promise is a promise is a promise

i can't bear the pain. the countless times i sacrificed my own plan to revolve around yours.

and now when i have my own plans, the very few rare times that i do, You take it out on me saying that i should be more understanding towards Your disposition.

i want to tell You when i'm upset, when i'm disappointed, when i do need You.

but now, i made a promise to not be such a nosey parker about Your work and Your life schedule. i should just accept that You shall meet me when You want and can meet me. no qualms and queries about it.

fine.
so why am i bawling hysterically after the pulse tone? Friday, May 19, 2006

bad

missing You is one of the worst feelings. and i got it BAD. :(

i need to see You. i can't possibly wait till thursday or even friday to see You! that's ridiculous! an uproar! unreasonable! outrageous!

talking to You everyday doesn't do justice. it just doesn't!

i'm useless this way. sigh. i'm so pathetic. plain pathetic and insane.

without You. :(

it's finally come to a close

my heart can sleep in deep slumber.

my shoulders can heave a sigh of content.

my conscience can smile an enormous grin.

thank you baby. it means alot to me that You've forgiven me.

the letter was my honest, heartfelt feelings, and You respected that. to me, that's the sweetest thing You've done for me.

trust has been restored between Us, and that is worth more than anything we could ever own.

i love You, my dear. and as i said in the letter, it will be me who'll be standing by Your side even when the rest of the world turns away. i promise You that.

for the rest of my life. Thursday, May 18, 2006

a lil' tired out, but feeling relaxed.

the past 3 days have been preoccupied for me. and in a not-so-bad way.

monday: yoga with a dear friend and then preparation for tuesday's bazaar.

tuesday: day starts at 6.15 a.m. and spent the entire day at Orchard Hotel for the bazaar. entire back aching and totally pooped by the end of the day.

wednesday: yoga with my sis. then went out with my darling for while before heading to Orchard Hotel to help my mom pack up the stuff (bazaar lasted 2 days). still a little pooped.

today, my arms are aching because of yesterday's yoga, but i definitely feel so much more refreshed, lighter and less sluggish ever since i jumped back on some form of exercise routine. i can't wait to go swimming again, after my "time of the month" ends.

tomorrow i have a sushi date with my cousin. hope my sister can tag along, if she comes home early from school. then saturday and sunday, i'm occupied with another bazaar again - this time at Hilton Hotel. so if you guys are not doing anything or happen to be in town, feel free to pop by and check out the vendors. :)

i miss spending time with my honey. all we manage to do nowadays is quick meals and brisk meetings. where did the long, enjoyable dates go? :( Sunday, May 14, 2006

a bloated sweet-tooth glutton

we almost wanted to go out for brunch at Ritz-Carlton today, but thank our lucky stars, the place was fully-booked. our mummy was treated to a breakfast with a wonderful (and namely, expensive) aromatic gift from Crabtree & Evelyn. and to top that off, me and my sis even cooked dinner for the family with lots of love. haha.

appetiser: waldorf salad (apples, celery, walnuts, grapes & raisins in a mayonnaise-based dressing).
main course: spaghetti with chicken chunks, broccoli, carrots, button mushrooms in a tomato-based sauce.
dessert: apple crumble with ben & jerry's chocolate chunks & cookie dough ice cream.

i'm officially fat.
but proud of my first self-cooked meal with only the tomato sauce for the spaghetti, as an instant ingredient.
the rest are all made from scratch. hee. ^_^

thank God i'm going back for yoga tomorrow. can't wait.
torturous, but oh so refreshing!

happy mother's day

to all mommy's out there, i'm sure your children will take this day to show their appreciation to you, and pamper you.

to my own, i hope you like the present me and zanna gave you. hope home-cooked dinner made by us later will be edible enough for the family! heh.

thank you for the times that do matter. and the moments that will in future.

XOXO.

the Great disappointment.

i took Your hand to hold, and clasp it with my own. but You shook Your head, shrugged it off, and let it go.
You kept asking me to go off, but i stood firmly rooted because i couldn't bear to leave.
i asked You to go ahead and leave if You wanted to, and You got on Your bike, sped away, leaving me in my own pool of tears.

my heart plummetted, and burned in front of You. but it didn't matter one bit.

for all the anniversaries that have passed, i always gave You a token of my affection to show that You are someone special. even if it wasn't bought, i would hand-make it.

for all the anniversaries that have passed, You had a simple rule to live by. buy something, or give nothing. and i would only get a greeting - "happy anniversary".

and it doesn't matter one bit.

You say i don't care. yes, maybe i don't care ENOUGH for You, and that's why You say i'm never willing to make sacrifices, nor care about Your feelings.

but just remember this, in spite of how many times You shoot me down with Your critical remarks, Your sarcasm, Your Great disappointment in me or say i don't fucking care, i'll be the One who stands by Your side. i'll be the One who will always strive to be there for You, although You do not want me there.

i'll be the One who DOES care for You, even when everyone else turns away. and that comes with the fact that i very well know You don't trust me anymore, and yet, remain with You.

call me a bitch, selfish, self-centred or a fucking whore, but my love for You is pure. and that is one thing You can never take away from me. never. Thursday, May 11, 2006

change of song, same heart

i was looking for a new song to spruce up this blog, and i found the perfect one. i wanted it to be a little mellow, yet something that i can totally relate to, and indulge myself in the lyrics. and now, i found it.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

numb legs

one advice i have to offer for lazy bums, pigs, couch potatoes and slackers... if you want to start exercising out of a sudden, take it easy. regardless of what people say, don't over drive your weak body. it's invigorating, yes. but the post-pain that you feel afer that, your body will not forgive you for. i repeat NOT forgive you.

i've not been regular in my exercises at all since i started my higher diploma. and now i pay the price. i swam 20 laps yesterday evening. and that felt pretty good. refreshing, the water was lukearm, since it was going to rain. but i felt a wee bit tired. then at 7.30 a.m. this morning, i went for 1 and a half hours of Ashtanga Yoga at Bt Timah Hill.

i can tell you that my legs are officially NUMB. i'm useless at walking. let alone going up and down the short flights of stairs in my own house. -_-

someone carry me! but on the other hand, i'd do it all over again. i feel less sluggish and "sloppy". wee. ^_^

i'll sort this out. i will. i will. i will. Tuesday, May 09, 2006

gotta sort things out

i think things are going to get messier if i don't do anything. i need to find something to do. to get my hands working, and get people off my back.

if not, i have to, and i will, resort to deperate measures. and You know what i mean.

i just want them to leave me alone. why don't i deserve a rest. some 'me' time. is that so wrong? why must i report what my plans are for holidays? must i HAVE TO HAVE a plan? why can't i take one day at a time? i only have 2 months to go before school starts. just let me do things in my own time. please please.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

a little tired, but so far hanging on well

it's supposed to be my holidays. i'm supposed to be working by now.

but neither am i enjoying it nor am i earning money in the mean time. other than the lump sum of $82.50 i got from my share of the garage sale over the weekend.

sigh. if i don't work, it's not so bad i guess. but i got to do something. quick.

i feel like taking up boxercise or some dance class. but the ones i've glanced through are either too expensive or out of my way.

any recommendations?

and it definitely doesn't help when my baby and i keep arguing like this. i don't know why i'm always upset with him. i really don't. and of course, neither do i understand why he's always picking at my flaws relentlessly. sigh.

sigh.sigh.SIGH.

plus, a bonus for me - yay - things at home are topsy turvy. and i'm embarrassed to walk in or out of my own home. Tuesday, May 02, 2006















as i diminish into oblivion. 















cherry red roses. soft & supple. 















with these lips i plant my love. even in slumber.  Monday, May 01, 2006

my darndest best

i always try, my darndest best to hold back tears that i know very well don't deserve to fall.

especially for such reasons like tonight. the eve of our 13th month.

and what may seem routine to many, i find special and momentous.

the eve of every anniversary, we would talk on the phone till the clock strikes midnight and exchange sweet words of appreciation, love and endearment. we take that time to reflect on what's past and what holds in our future.

but not tonight. neither was it the case on our 1st year.

on the eve of our 1st, we argued straight through the night.
on the eve of our 13th, today, You slept through. and You just said good-bye.

i tried my darndest best not get affected. not to BE affected.
but as tears stream down my face now, i know it's an impossible task for me.
i care too much. far too much.
and for some, it's probably a bad thing.
in fact, i think it's a bad thing for me too.

i wish i couldn't feel the pain now.
because right beside me, at this moment, is a card i made. just for You.
and how i wish i could burn it. like how i wish the pain i feel could just turn to ashes.

i want it to just vanish. evaporate.
go.away.



it's been some time

some time since i last came here, wrote anything down, or even checked to see if anyone's bothered about this page. sometimes that's what you got to do in order to keep the 'surprise element' of your blog alive. because too frequent checking makes your blog look dull and uninspiring. to yourself and your 'fans'.

on to more interesting rants, tomorrow's our 13th month. hmm.

13th month. sure feels much more than that. it always does i guess.
the funny thing is that, magically, it is only now that i've come to fully realise how dependent i am on You. how i can't imagine my life without You.

you know how you always hear stories of other couples being so dependent on one another, and you think that, that will never be you? or how you think of them as pathetic?

i used to be one of those people. i mean i was disgusted by the idea at one point of my life. but look at me now. i'm just as sissy as them. and i'm not ashamed of it at all.

because i'm proud of You. of Us.
that will never change.

PUT YOUR LOVELY NAME HERE


Wani
23/02/1986 (Pisces)
(Psychology & Communications) Monash University
Chatting, chilling, poetry, movies, making love, making out.
Tigger & Princess
In love with love; cynical with a hint of tease. ;)

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