out of all times...
i know i've been waiting out, and i want to wait out as long as possible. but things in Life always manage to fuck up (don't we all know that?). this is in context of my previous entry. well, that guy is totally throwing me off balance. i have to sit through shitty A's next week onwards, and i can't believe he has to put me through even more shit. i remember the frustrations that anyone can get from guys, and now i finally remember why i had decided to stay away from any emotional connection from them, like the PLAGUE! they're sheer heartache.
i put my heart out, i explicitly tell him that i'm interested in getting to know him. and what do i fucking get in return? cold conversations, lame excuses and petty sorries when he suddenly has to leave a chat. which is like, hmm, ALL the TIME. he says i'm busy, so i may be. but i make time to at least have a conversation with him at night. he says he's bored that's why he's quiet. helloooo?? if you're bored, then who is this freaking idiot here who's putting aside time to talk to you?! i try to make jokes, be it lame or not, but then he turns them into situations where i look like the damn fool. i don't this extra shit from him. if you're still unsure whether you even want to be decent, CIVILISED friends with me, then back off, and come back when you're ready.
what more, is creepily enough, more of my past is catching up with me. my very first bf called me up a few nights ago, and casually asked me what's going on and stuff. then i sensed he had a motive for calling me up from nowhere. i asked him, and BINGO, he broke up with his gf the night before. so, blah, blah, blah... i asked what happened. and obviously, he told her about us, like the past he had with me. and i have no idea how he told HIS version of the story, but she came to the conclusion that he's been dating her to get over me (would anyone date someone for 2 years to forget someone?... i have no clue really). so, i got the hint. and blah, blah, blah... end of phone call. the next night, he SMSed me, "would you give me another chance to treat you good like you did to me if i asked you in future?". all i replied was, "it depends how far into the future you ask me." i didn't really mean it though. i went through another shit with this fella. we broke up and patched up like countless times, he left me for different reasons each time: one for another bitch, one due to influence of another bitch... many in between, and finally, the last break up, i remember crystal clear, the day before Hari Raya (i swear i hate him for that), due to my race and religion. WTF. so ya, you think i'd be stupid enough to come bouncing back to him after that?
anyways, shit is on it's way. and i have a load of shit to carry along. so things are pretty much the same, eh?
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
Ta-Da!!! my beloved Hoobastank on my beloved personal comp... i love the soft glow effect of the wallaper... Ooo.. Douggy-Doug! haha, i'm bored, so shoot me...
Posted by Hello Tuesday, October 19, 2004
a weird sensation
well, i'm officially on my study break... and as my ever "gracious" principal said, i am no longer REALLY a student of my college. but i know that as long as we wear that brown crud (ok, it's not THAT ugly, but still...) called the uniform, we will always be linked to the college.
so, i've only been back to school like, twice, since study break. call me a lazy fool, and that i'm missing out on last-minute stuff that the teachers may cram in. but i really have to get my fundamentals right. especially for my economics and physical geography. so, i've been trying to get the facts straight, not that it has been VERY successful.
other than mugging, i got another mail from Avief again. this time, still as sentimental as the last one. a little less scary, and intimidating, because i was expecting it. i've written my reply, yet to mail it though. what's my thoughts on my connection with him at this point? hmm, hard to say, it's a pretty blurred emotion; a mixture of contentment (that i got to know a sweet guy) and also, hate-ugliness-patheticness (is there such a word?). anyway, ya, he wished me a good month of Ramadhan (fasting), but his feelings expressed for me is still (annoyingly) very superficial. he just says, "i may not know you very well, but from the way you speak and your eyes, i can tell you're a good person." Uh... what?? come on, this is real life. you don't just LOVE a person from saying that they are a "good person". so i think i'm really frustrated that he's so shallow, and not even willing to ask me about ME. forget it.
okay, frustrations out of the way, i managed to get in touch with a guy. blast from the past. he's special to me because he's the very first guy i went up to and told him how i felt. and got turned down. in Secondary 1. imagine that. so naive, so innocent. haha! since the beginning of fasting month we've been SMS-ing each other quite frequently, and he asked if i wanted to break my fast with him one of these days. i accepted the offer... but the date's pending. last night, we chatted on MSN well past 1 a.m. i felt really good... and i suggested we should ask each other questions, just to make convo and kill time. somehow, we managed to venture into more personal questions like "you got your eye on anyone?"... i said "no one... yet." and he said the same. then added, "but there is one girl, really sweet and has the natural thing going." i decided to play along. ^_^
as time went on, i asked him, "so where is this girl now?"... and he said, "come on, don't tell me you don't get it? or are you just playing along?" i told him of course i was playing along, because it helps ease the tension between the 2 of us. we managed to switch pictures. i think the last time i saw him and spoke to him, was early this year at Bukit Batok Central, when i bumped into him. he looked good then, and still looks good now. not exactly handsome, but decent-looking enough for me. it was a friendly, light-hearted conversation... but then i had to eat my breakfast (ya, i know, at like 1.30a.m.) and logged off. i don't know if it's just me being overly optimistic, but i'm sensing something good will come out from this rekindled friendship. it may not be an actual relationship, but i feel that we'll be good friends or something. i just know that it's something positive. which is really good for someone who hasn't had a very good relationship, for like forever.
oh well, we'll see where this leads. for now, it's straight ahead for the A-levels. and promise for a much, MUCH better future. and much better Me.
