I am the secret that you keep; MISS SCARLET.

Sunday, July 31, 2005

appreciation

i need not seek far to learn how to appreciate what i have (other than my parents). i feel blessed having the sister, friends and boyfriend that i have. how am i able to feel that much gratitude? i just look at my parents (ironically). they epitomise what i never want to become. in spite of many others who look up to their parents for comfort, support and admiration, i don't. i just need to observe their interaction and their principles, and it irks me. that's why everything that you guys do for me, i am thankful.

finally after 3 weeks of not going behind the wheel, i managed to go for my driving lesson. it was drizzling, and i was supposed to learn my u-turn and round-a-bout turn. my u-turn went horribly wrong on first attempt. i didn't make the turn (because i panicked and returned the wheel while accelerating) and accelerated into the sidewalk. ON PUBLIC ROAD. so, my instructor was super pissed with me and scolded me for not listening to directions. i was thinking, "hello?? this is only my first try. people do make mistakes ok? quit raving at me!" but things went better from then on, thank God. driving is definitely stressful when you don't do in a long while. he even commented my risk forecast is extremely weak. so you can more or less guess that i'm one driver who's most likely to crash, due to careless observation of dangers on the road. so, once i get my licence, don't ask me to give you a ride ok? (don't say i didn't warn you. heh.)

my mom's been buzzing in my ear relentlessly this past week. every single fucking day she asks me if i've asked my consultant at school about the award i want to take. every single day. to the point that, even yesterday (Saturday), she forgot i didn't go to school and asked if i have asked yet. what the FUCK. i have been doing something about it every day, and i only know bit by bit. it's not my frigging fault the school's not that competent.

and my dad's been asking me what my target is for getting my driver's licence. i said i don't have one, and he's pressurising me to get it ASAP. asking me how many lessons more, what i've been doing. just let me be for fuck's sake!

and arguing with You about the same issue over and over AND OVER again doesn't help. just let it go okay? nothing will happen. nothing has happened. please, i'm practically begging You. i just feel so exhausted after every argument. sometimes my head hurts. and i know what You said, was out of sheer rage. but no ex i had ever said that to me, in spite of whatever differences we had. i guess that is why it hurt even more, coming from You. You might as well slap me. i could never bring myself to say that, even if i was fuming mad. because i know i still do love You. oh well, what the heck. just forget it.

damn, then why did i just say i feel grateful and blessed? sheesh. -_-

Thursday, July 28, 2005

shall we dance?... i do wanna

today's in-class movie screening was "Shall We Dance?" i've been wanting to watch it, so now i don't have to fork out any money to rent the video. but if i knew it was that touching and romantic, i would've paid for it anyways. in a heart beat. at the end, i really wanted to cry, but i had to force myself to hold back because i didn't want anyone to see me all blotchy when the lights were switched on again. it was such an "awwww..." type of film. if you know what i mean. heh.

it made me miss dancing so much. i just felt like shaking my booty or cha-cha-ing after the lights went on. and the scene at the end where mr and mrs clark were dancing in their kitchen and ended up kissing over the stove, was, yes, cliche, but the most sweetest gesture. i wish i could do that one day. i should've watched the movie when it came out. but at least, better late than never. :-)

lately, i've been missing You so much. too much. i just want You to be with me so i can show You how much. because words are becoming fewer. while my heart beats stronger. and it doesn't help that i'm so close to You everyday, yet so far. :-(

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

yay!

i FINALLY learnt BY MYSELF how to change and customise templates for my blog. damn! i know many of you might be saying, i'm very, UBER redundant, and farking lagging in html. but that's me. "strange as they come". finally i don't feel so stupid.

talking about not feeling stupid, i feel tired, but really good today (no relevance, huh?). and though tomorrow's another long day, i do look forward to it. heh, okay, maybe because tomorrow's movie day for my Writing for Screen module. last week was "Closer", starring Natalie Portman, Jude Law (!!!) and Julia Roberts. the other guy, i have no idea who. blekk! we're supposed to write reviews on any movie that's screened in class as part of our assignment, so i'm trying to sway my lecturer's decision to screen Bram Stoke's "Dracula". my favourite classic! he wanted to show "Exorcist" but many of us didn't dare watch and personally i find it's over-commercialised and re-made.

meeting up with my darlings from The Strays was great. i miss them so. and i miss playing my bass. i miss jamming. when dearies?

and of course, i ALWAYS miss You. ^_^

Thursday, July 21, 2005

the week is ending

i'm glad. this week has been physically, emotionally and mentally draining. not till the point of hell boiling in your brain, but it leaves me a tad more shagged than i'd like to be.

the biggest reason is because of my significant other and i having a rough patch. i'm really hoping things will cool off soon. especially tomorrow, when i see him. FINALLY. the sleepless nights, and the lack of any sleep, in fact, left me unfocused and stoned during the day. even my parents and friends were asking me almost everyday why i looked so distant and detached.

but i still love You. sometimes (sorry to say) i seriously wonder why. but i'm not saying i doubt anything. it's just that it stumps even me, the person who's involved, as to how i can tolerate You. maybe because at the end of the ENTIRE ordeal, we grow together, we grow closer, and my love for You ceases to die. i love You, sayang.

but i still miss him.

Monday, July 18, 2005

some people are just more unlucky than others.

my mom asked me, "how was school today?" my reply was,"so-so. just lecture. boring." then she blasted me. "I'VE BEEN TO SCHOOL OKAY? I KNOW IT'S BORING!" i didn't know questions about your day had wrong or right answers.

then she blasted at my dad for hating the morning butter that she buys, which is usally canola oil butter, and he suggested changing back to the old one (whatever that was).

then she blasted at my maid, for i don't know what. but there was plenty of shouting.

then she came into my room to lecture me and my sis.

whoopee. another round. but like i said, some people are more unlucky than others. as you might've noticed, i got hell from her TWICE.

i hate myself for being me sometimes. the stupid, useless daughter that my mother proclaims me to be. and almost all the time, i prove her right. i wonder why.

bittersweet

i'm feeling down, not depressed. saddened, not disappointed. but most importantly, relieved, not regretful.

i've been handling this "fragile" issue with You for some time, and i know You trust me; but You just don't trust him. and i believe You, because i know his intentions. VERY CLEARLY.

it seems like a "third party" intrusion. maybe it is.

and i won't deny that i DO enjoy his company.

but after today, i've made up my mind on my own accord. after some real "crunch time" to reflect on what has really been happening. i'm not going to validate who was wrong or who was right. all i have to say is, it made me realise that i feel the most at home with You. and You don't have to worry where my heart lies. i'm sorry a million times. for every trouble or worry i've caused You. that's all i can manage to say for now.

i love You now. and i wish the same for eons to come.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

back to the schooling life

well, back to good old school. but this time, without the good old friends. too bad, so sad. :-(

but thank God i made friends with several people from Day 1. there's Vivien, who is from AJC. same scenario as me where we both screwed up our A's. heh. what a shocker, huh? then slowly, we went along the day saying "hi" to everyone, and just making small talk. so technically by this time, we actually already hang out in a group during class and after. there's, if i'm not wrong, 8 of us in total. 6 girls, 2 guys. and coincidently, we all come from JC. the 2 guys, Ian and Eric, just completed their NS. so we sit together during lectures, hang out for lunch as well. it's such a cliched "groupie" thing, but they are really great people to talk to. it keeps the 3 hour long lessons/lectures more alive, and less draggy. :-P

anyway, i went to Good Charlotte's "Noise To The World Tour" last night... and honestly, it wasn't as energy-pumped as Simple Plan's concert. pity. $69, kind of a rip-off i feel. security was way tight. bags weren't allowed in, meaning after the whole thing, we had to line up (AGAIN) just to get our stuff from them. and plenty of moshing, though no body-surfing was allowed. at least the consolation was that Joel Madden went close to the crowd. and his brother Benji was mouthing off and sucking up to Singapore so much! "Singapore!" this or "I wanna move to Singapore" or "I think I'm in love!" or "Mom & Dad, can i have your children?" or how about "Hey! Since I can get married to you guys, now we can have sex!" i don't know if that's considered lame or just pure entertainment. this time around i didn't have fadhillah or diyana around for a threesome outing with faizal; it was only the 2 of us this time. but it was still fun nonetheless... he was goofy as ever and i was bullied by him, as usual. haha...!

but i guess nothing can compare to when You came to fetch me home. ^_^

Sunday, July 10, 2005

ONE HELL OF A FUCKED UP BITCH

WHY IS IT THAT EVERYTIME I TRY TO REDEEM MYSELF OR PROVE MYSELF, THINGS ALWAYS TURN OUT WORSE THAN BEFORE? AM I THAT MUCH OF A JINX? AM I SO UNLUCKY THAT I HAVE TO ALWAYS BE CURSED IN EVERY OUTCOME THAT LIES AHEAD?

MAYBE I DO DESERVE THE BELITTLEMENTS, THE INSULTS AND EVEN THE DEGRADE-MENT. MAYBE I AM ONE SUCH PERSON WORTHY OF ALL THAT. I HAVE NEVER ASKED FOR MUCH, THAT'S TRUE. BUT MAYBE BECAUSE I DON'T DESERVE MUCH TO BEGIN WITH. HAVE YOU EVER FELT LIKE THAT? I HOPE NOT. BECAUSE THAT'S THE WORST FEELING ANYONE COULD FEEL, BESIDES BEING ALONE. ESPECIALLY WHEN THAT FEELING IS DERIVED FROM YOUR OWN FLESH AND BLOOD.

I'VE TOLERATED IT FOR WHAT FEELS LIKE EONS. BUT I'M BEGINNING TO FEEL SO SHAKY, SO INSECURE, SO MUCH MORE ALONE. I TELL EVERYONE I'M OKAY. BUT I'M NOT OKAY - I CAN PROMISE YOU THAT. BECAUSE I HATE TO SEE EVERYONE ASK ME WHAT'S WRONG, THEN I'M SUPPOSED TO GO INTO THE MELODRAMATIC DETAILS OF IT ALL... AND EXPECT SYMPATHY, EMPATHY, PITY... WHATEVER IT IS. I DON'T WISH THAT UPON ANYONE. I'LL JUST DEAL WITH IT BY MYSELF. LIKE I ALWAYS HAVE. I'LL BE FINE. EVERYTHING JUST TAKES TIME. I TELL MYSELF THAT EVERYDAY. BUT THAT DAY HASN'T ARRIVED. MAYBE IT WILL NEVER COME.

I'M RANTING. I'M BABBLING. I'M PATHETIC. SO SHOOT ME.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

:-)

i'm feeling fresher today... okay, apart from staying up till 2 a.m + just to polish my mom's jewellery last night. and i was so freaking sleepy when i woke up this morning. but i mean i woke up feeling much better than i have in DAYS.

usually i don't really fancy having Teo T.S as my driving instructor because he's your stereotypical mundane, no-smile, middle-aged dude who is all about the technicalities of driving and has a no-nonsense policy. but yesterday i made an effort to try and break the ice with him. no, i wasn't trying to get FRESH with him - i just find it easier for me to learn if the instructor converses with me about other things other than driving. so i started to pick an argument with him about which comes first when filtering to another lane - signal first or check mirrors and blind spot first. i mean it's a simple thing, but i persisted in being bratty just to get him talking. hahahaha... what a dumb technique.

so i finally told him that he was anti-social, but he just reasoned that it is because he doesn't fancy talking too much and the focus should be teaching the trainee how to drive. okay, fine. i agree with it. but i just can't stand the monotony and the sheer quiet, cold, air-conditioned atmosphere in the car for 100 minutes without any friendly conversation. so today, as i got him again, i was so preparing myself for another torturous, dull session. but then, it turned out to be the most fun and enjoyable one i've had so far. he "tailored" the lesson to my liking, just so that i can learn better. and we ended up talking about my boyfriend, family, his daughter, durians (!), cars, nighttime driving and his past experiences with other students. now i'm hoping i get him more often! how ironic... how when someone starts opening up to you, and you see something that you enjoy about that person you've never noticed before.

this has no link, but it reminds me of how i realise how inspirational the toilet - or should i say the BATHROOM - can be. no wonder people can read books, magazines or even the newspaper while crapping their asses off. (sorry for the sharp lingo) it's one place where you can think and even have time to reflect about things without having the nuisance of having people disturbing you. alicia keys is one such fan of this habit.

hmm... i smell You here with me, honey. and i'm not even close to your jacket. i need You.

Monday, July 04, 2005

as it draws nearer

school is going to start soon. and though i should be excited, i must admit, i'm a little nervous. okay QUITE nervous. i won't know anyone. i don't know where the hell i'm supposed to report. and the subjects taken are going to be all alien to me. it won't be like going back to school after a long vacation because this time around you won't get to see the good old comforting faces you were studying with the year before. damn. shucks.

but on a brighter note, i got a new guitar case from Faizal. spanks yous!!! i always wanted the one with two PROPER shoulder straps... like the casing Di's brother has for his bass guitar. it was very sweet of him to get for me one, because i know it's hard to find. ^_^ *admires it*

thanks maybelline for calling me up today. been SOOOO long since i last heard your voice, i seriously didn't recognise it was you! we HAVE to meet up real soon. free anytime this week? and thanks for asking if i'm doing fine. i'll BE fine, in time. just takes time. like all good things... it takes time.

Sunday, July 03, 2005

a depressing day

"as if every other day isn't depressing for me"... i should be thinking that. yea, i guess technically you could say that to me, but this time it's a different kind of sadness.

the moment i woke up this morning, i knew it was going to be a slow, draggy day regardless of what i was going to do - be it full of activities or just plain bumming around. my heart would still be as heavy and i wouldn't have any mood to talk to anyone. and i was right.

my body was sore, aching and just tired. but most importantly, i just felt a wash of sadness and a sudden need for solitude. some alone time, by myself. and no one else. i needed time to reflect on what just happened last night with You. was i really such an "ugly" person? did i not care for Your feelings? was i REALLY being a selfish bitch? we both sat aside an entire Saturday to spend time with each other, to thrash things out, as well as to materialise the time that never happens with each other. and most importantly to signify our 3rd month together. (okay, for you guys reading out there, i know 3 months if "pfft" for alot of you, but trust me, these 3 months have been one hell of a ride for me).

last night, it opened my eyes to how my heart has felt for these past few months. to actually be able to visualise your own emotions, is rare. and though i'm not saying i am proud or glad that last night ended on a very rough note, i took away many lessons from it. about me. about You.

when i saw the pain i caused You, it tore me up inside. i didn't know what to do - while i wanted to hold You so much, i was also afraid i'd just do more damage than i'd already caused.

i'm sorry.
sorry i didn't comfort You.
sorry i was so selfish.
sorry i walked away.
sorry i wasn't there for You.

and as stupid as it sounds - to cause hurt to someone you love just to realise what you mean to them; that's exactly what happened. as they say, "what doesn't break you, only makes you stronger". just don't hate me, for i could never live with that guilt. all i know is that i feel whole around You, and truly blessed to have someone in my life to love me as much as You do.

"what a drag of a drama queen"... some of you reading this might say. and yes, reading back this entry, i probably would agree with that point of view. but emotions come as real as they can, every last bit of it. and i am very lucky to have felt this much pain, love and life as i have. though at times, i'd rather just have the love and nothing else. pfft.

to my best friend, Zakiah:
i am UBER glad you're back and i feel so relieved to be able to share my plight with you. i do agree with your take on my relationship, and to some extent i just wish that i had your kind of guts. but i guess then, i wouldn't be me, huh? don't worry, i'll take care of myself... and i know if i ever need that pillow of comfort to fall back on, i know who to turn to. ^_^ everything's all about compromise i guess. though we all know, some humans just refuse to give in.

to end a depressing day, i have to remind myself that school starts on Thursday for me. shucks. oh well, at least i can escape the clutches of my mom. (whoops, did i just say that?)