I am the secret that you keep; MISS SCARLET.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

meaning.

the past few days were tiring, but worth it.

i feel as though i've been driving non-stop, chauffeuring the boy here and there.
he went through lasik surgery yesterday (monday) and apparently, his eyes are extremely sensitive, so he has adverse reactions to the procedure.

his eyes are a red, blotchy, blood-shot mess, and they are so sensitive to light, he even wears his shades indoors during the day. sigh. it was heart-breaking to see him literally blind the past 2 days, that i had to hold his hand and guide him wherever we walked. i even had to feed him dinner in bed, while nursing his migraine and fever.

i couldn't believe he is one of the few who have reacted so badly to lasik - the rest of the patients seemed fine walking out of surgery! i have to drive him again for another review on thursday morning and hopefully the doctor will have better news. *crosses fingers*

good news is that during the course of his "invalidity" and literally racing between home and him during late nights and wee hours of the morning, a pang i've never felt before, surged within me.

giving all my care to him made my feelings for him grow stronger, just when i thought i've reached my "limit". i had to hold off all "selfish feelings" and just focus on one other person, and in doing so, it's helped me attain a new level of self-sacrifice.

"just suck it up", i kept telling myself.

and laying down beside him, and stroking his forehead, made me not care, even if i died right there and then.

plus, getting a $129 pair of leather heels is a satisfying gesture of appreciation. :)

Thursday, June 19, 2008

one step closer to liberation

today was so gratifying and eye-opening.
i feel so much more relieved, it's indescribable.

one step out of the shadow.
another step towards freedom.

and developing into my own.
it was inspiring and i don't regret a single thing.

this is the best damn thing i've done for myself.
even more than shopping. or stuffing my face. :)

Monday, June 16, 2008

PMS

you know you're suffering from severe symptoms of PMS when...

1) you've been standing around waiting for that starbucks frappucino for 10 minutes and when you ask that malay dude behind the counter to check on your order because almost everyone after you has received their orders, and he disrespects you by asking if you've queued up like the rest and your reply is a scream in his face, "WE'VE BEEN HERE BEFORE ALL THESE PEOPLE, AND WE'RE STILL WAITING FOR OUR ORDER!!!" then suddenly all the customers in the queue and the staff behind the counter literally stop and stare at you, but you don't fucking care. AND that dude can still say, "okay, chill, chill" in that condescending mat swagger. fuck YOU. then you go home to e-mail starbucks.

2) while watching exciting, explosive and riveting action sequences during the incredible hulk, tears of sadness actually start welling up in your eyes because bruce banner (edward norton - the hulk) is such an unfortunate victim of a freak accident and how betty ross (liv tyler) still loves him all the same.

but you also know when you have it good during PMS when...

in spite of the outburts, pettiness and screaming fits, he's still the one who gives in to you and supports you for feeling the way you are. :) i love you.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

sugar rush

it was the awesomest lunch buffet at hyatt's straits kitchen with eric this afternoon. laughing, talking, eating, talking, laughing, more face-stuffing... and most importantly, the sugar rush i got after eating desserts. i'm hysterical after too much sugar.

my speech becomes incoherent, my laughter is uncontrollable and my walk is well, all over the place. i think he might've been a tad embarrassed by me. *blush*

but his company is sooo fun. :) thanks for tolerating my incomprehensible antics/rubbish.

on a phone conversation this afternoon:

the boy: "where are you?"
me: "armani exchange."
the boy: "what are you doing there?"
me: "making myself depressed over clothes i cannot afford."
the boy: "wow, you're so free."

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

1 more day

in slightly more than 24 hours, i'll be sitting for my first paper. which means, there's less than 24 hours left to stuff my head with whatever i can.

i should be sleeping now, but somehow i always manage to get side-tracked in the middle of the night even after an entire day out.

spending time with the boy is exactly what i needed, although it's quite untimely. it's what i like to call a "technical break".

well, since we won't be seeing each other for more than a week, i guess it was a good break.

tomorrow's going to be a marathon for my brain - so i'd better end this here.

thank you for taking time off for me, as i have for you. i truly appreciate it. :)

Monday, June 02, 2008

a dry weekend

i've haven't been this stressed in quite awhile, apart from "assignment season".

taking all this studying shit, and shit from him, and shit from her... it just boils down to how much further i can hold onto my sanity.

i'm fucking pissed at how she compares me constantly.
at how she cannot accept what i've chosen to have as a part of my life.
at the decisions i've made years go.
and most of all, how she fucking thinks she's God and great and that i'm selfish.

she knows fuck about me.

it's our 38th month today, and not a word from him.
but it didn't matter that he doesn't care because what he's shown me is what i'm most grateful for.

he's made me more human than i've ever been in my life.
sheer euphoria and utter misery and anguish.
and i thank you.

no one has bothered to prove to me that there's someone out there who cares for me, until i met you.
and even though it's a tough time for us now, i'll never regret having had you in my life.
regardless of what happens to us in the future.

:)