I am the secret that you keep; MISS SCARLET.

Monday, September 24, 2012

just.simply.broken.

the title says it all. and even if i wanted to say more, there is nothing.

it's like all the hope i carried, all the faith i harboured, and all the promises i held dear, has suddenly vanished.
there is no silver lining, no ray of light.

talk about monday blues. i just feel so awful, i wanna curl up in bed all day and only pray that this threatening, dark, black cloud dissipates.

i want to give in. but mostly, i want to give up. on myself.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

a reflective weekend

so, i haven't blogged this week. cos it's been pretty busy with countless press releases and brand story that i had to work on. plus, i was extremely tired, so much so that even while working out, i could practically fall asleep.

but i've also reached the point where i think i'm beginning to question the amount of commitment he's putting in. yes, it's accumulative. but thursday night was what triggered everything, including what has now become 2 days of not speaking/texting/calling/seeing him. at all.

you say you wanna have dinner with me. you tell me you miss me. but your idea of showing me all that is a 45 minute-long dinner where your enthusiasm is non-existent for everything i share, about my day at work, and heading early to CHIJMES, where we sit there for an hour-ish before your start work, and barely say a word to me.

that's your idea of spending time with me, and your level of commitment to even try to make things work. i'm no saint, but i know i try my darnest best to always suggest new things for us to do, check out, to possibly travel to. and most of the time, nothing gets done. i'm at my wits' end.

i know i should stop this pettiness and say something. but i don't even know where to begin. i try and think of what i could possibly say to you, to try and explain how exhausted i am at being the only one who seems to give two fucks about working on us. i'm constantly finding myself fighting, for myself, not something you and i share. i'm beginning to seriously feel that this relationship, or whatever it is right now, is a mere convenience.

being taken for granted is much too familiar for me, and i honestly don't wanna go down that road again. apparently, i'm the #1 go-to girl for any guy who wants the benefits of being with someone, but doesn't wanna work on anything more than a few dinners and small talk.

story of my life.

Friday, September 14, 2012

childhood bullies

watching these videos on bullying stirs up memories of my own. sure, i was never physically bullied into a corner (THANK GOD!), but the words don't hurt any less.

maybe it's a trivial thing for many but i was called names, like 'siti sotong' (which translates into 'siti squid', cos squids are somehow associated with being lost and confused a lot, apparently). that name stuck through primary school, and beyond. and i HATE IT. i think it was mainly the fact that i was always lost in my thoughts, always wandering off into space. i couldn't help it; i had a very active imagination and i still do.

and i was accused at staring at the resident 'gangster girl' of my secondary school because i happened to linger my glance a little too long in her direction. again, always been a 'thing' of mine, to zone out, and have people think i'm staring.

growing up, i've been accused of being rude and really have nothing much going on in my thinktank (aka stupid), because i love to daydream. and i've consciously tried to avoid doing that as i got older, and i'd like to think it's not that bad now. but i have my moments, i know. oh, and i've been told i have a huge nose (which i somewhat agree).

so yeah, i've had my fair share of being chastised and made fun of, which definitely has affected how i view myself now. but (there's a HUGE BUT in there), the last two years i have learnt to love myself a hell of a lot more. mainly through proper nutrition and exercise. yes, it's only working on the physical aspect, but as a result, my feeling of self-worth has grown by heaps and bounds. plus, it helps that i've been with someone who's a complete God-send after that fucking douchebag. so what he loves about me, i've learnt to love about myself. and now that i've learnt to appreciate the superficial (if you can call it that), i can appreciate the inside even more.

and i couldn't be happier with myself. :)

p.s.
of course, there were other major contributing factors to all this lack of confidence and self-esteem (read: MOTHER), but that's all been said and done. and now that i actually lost weight (FUCK YEAH!), she can't touch me!

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

third week in

i thought i should write more, you know, just to keep practising. it didn't matter what kind of writing i did, as long as i wrote.

so it's my third week into this internship, and i've caught onto the whole rhythm of waking up about 7-ish and sleeping by 12.30 a.m at the latest. i could stretch it to 1 a.m. but i would wake up groggy as fuck. so far, i have 4 events lined up to attend (though i might have to skip one cos it overlaps another), and i'm nervous and excited all over again.

i mean yeah, at least i won't be stuck in this damn office all day, but it also means putting me in a situation where i'm basically like a deer in headlights. i don't do well with super social situations where i have no choice but to mingle with complete strangers, who will undoubtedly judge me by the way i talk and dress. WOW, no pressure AT ALL.

and networking, good GOD. i can't make small talk for the sake of small talk, or worse just so that i can impress/suck up to some fashion/media guru/whore. you get my drift.

oh well, i hope i can pull myself together. and just be as normal as i can.
wish lots of luck for the awkward black sheep.

Friday, September 07, 2012

doing what I love (well, sort of)

it's 2 weeks into my editorial internship at CATALOG Magazine, and well, i honestly wish i was doing more writing. but hey, i'm only an intern, and anything i can get, i'll take.

apart from the long-ass "bus-train-bus" ride, which starts at 8a.m. every weekday, it's tolerable, to say the least. i just keep telling myself, this is but a small step towards doing something i absolutely LOVE in the future. which is (surprising, as i've realised recently) maybe being a fitness blogger.

sad part is, how many amazingly successful fitness bloggers are there in this goddamn island?! i've never heard/seen of one, personally. but yeah, i think i would be awesome at that!

i mean, given my personal success at losing weight this year (8 kilos to date!), and the first time i've actually stuck to new year resolution (YAY ME!), i think that with more exposure to health tips/issue and fitness and diet trends, i could really ace at being somewhat of a motivator for other people to get healthy. :)

i mean i'm no lean, mean power machine, but i know how it feels to have those off days where you don't feel like working out, where you just wanna binge on junk food, and where your mood swings to a low, miserable state. in spite of those days, i told myself, this is for ME. i need this, i wanna feel GOOD, and i wanna be HAPPY in my own skin for a change.

for the first time in my life, i can safely say to ANYONE that i LOVE MY BODY. i'm proud of my hard work and i'm overjoyed at the results. it's one thing that i have pride in, in FOREVER. and i'm not going to stop, not now, and hopefully not ever.

trust me, if i (someone who has always been lazy, STILL LOVESSS food, has PLENTY of bad days) can do it, ANYONE can; you just need to want it BADLY enough.

you have my word.