I am the secret that you keep; MISS SCARLET.

Monday, April 30, 2012

part of giving up

well, i said in my last post, that it's probably about that time that i just cave. and in a way i have surrendered, because i know in at least one aspect of my life, that is very true.

everything just got bad early last year, and it has been downhill. today, i think it's come to a point where i just cannot bring myself to say or do anything, anymore. maybe because i couldn't care less, or that i know nothing will change. but mostly, i cannot possibly be the only person pointing out every single aspect i'm unhappy with. it's been done before, and it's simply gone nowhere.

i'd like to think contentment has settled in, but nah, i think it's just me trying to pretend that i'm alright with all of this. deep down, i know i'm not. but what else can i possibly do? create a stir that would only drive away the most important thing to me?

this takes two hands, and i've tried doing my part. i really have. so, now i'm finished. yeah, you can say, it's never just finished; it's an ongoing process of working through things and finding that balance. it's been a year and a half, and nothing. i don't see where all this balances out. maybe i really am never going to be satisfied, and who knows, maybe i'm a little petty. but i know what i seek, and it's just not there.

how far can i push, till i just might push too far?

so, i'm sitting here, typing all this out, and contemplating if this is me telling myself that i'm done. i think i really am. if this all ends, at least i can tell myself i did try. i talked things out, i pushed for things to get better. but nothing.

i honestly don't see any point working it out when you're basically best friends. and not even with benefits.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

my hell

you'd think some, if not all, things that occurred in your childhood, would've phased out by the time you grew up. or at least you'd learn to deal with it better.

not this. i don't think it'll ever stop, and i don't think i'll ever be able to get past it. sometimes (who am i kidding? everytime), i ask, why? why me? not that i'd ever wish this upon anyone else. no one, not one person deserves growing up this way. not especially if it lasts from the time you were barely a kid to when you're a grown-ass adult who could start their own family anytime soon.

i know writing will not ease the pain, nor will it change the circumstances in which i have to live with for the rest of my life. hell, nothing will change this. it's my life, it's my hell.

but it's one of the few things that i hope could help me keep sane. just so, my humanity will not leave my side when i need it most. i go through this so many times, year in, year out. and the pain is still so damn potent. WHY.

why can't i just switch all these feelings off? just be numb, and stay numb. i don't want to feel anything, none at all. it's not worth lying to myself about how things will get better, how i'll get through this. i mean really? if things were meant to be better, if i were supposed to get used to this, i would've by now. it's 26 fucking years of my life so far, and not a single thing has changed.

you know what, you're right. all this negativity, is much too strong. and i'm tired. for once, in a long time, i will admit defeat and surrender. none of this "have hope" crap. what hope? what strength?

it's all a lie. i'm just about done.