I am the secret that you keep; MISS SCARLET.

Thursday, January 31, 2008

last day of january

at last!
5 weeks in this month alone. yucks.

i've always looked forward to february, mainly because of my birthday.
but since i'm with someone, there's the anniversary (2nd) and valentine's to look forward to, as well. :)

3 occasions to keep me happy.
including a 3-day long birthday weekend to satisfy me.

i feel the need to do a make-over for this blog - like completely change the layout and skin.
no promises, but if it does happen, it'll be next month for sure.

it's just such a tedious job just thinking about it!

i wish today could be tomorrow already. weekend, hurry up, come!

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

unsure

in fear of jinxing the entire week ahead, i'd rather not say. but i can't help myself...
i think i'm falling in love with you. all over again.

Monday, January 28, 2008

tragus

i've been thinking and contemplating on getting my tragus (it's the small piece of skin-covered cartilage near the entrance of your ear, close to your face) pierced, for so long now. and i'm thinking my upcoming birthday is the perfect time to do it.

i think i will. :)

although it's only been 7 days since i last saw him, yesterday was like no other date we've had. just sitting in starbucks, sharing a chocolate cake, a banana muffin and a caramel frappucino between us, while it poured outside, was... enlightening, to say the least. it was the first time, in a long time, that we talked and whispered to each other as though we haven't seen each other for months!

like you said, "it's all about the moments." and it's moments like those that we actually agree on something for once. it felt so yummy inside (apart from the food!) to connect with you on such an emotional level - seeing you tear up with me, was comforting and beautiful, at the same time.

yesterday was something else.
it wasn't of our time.
it was magic.

Friday, January 25, 2008

a week has passed

so what? nothing significant has happened. i can't believe though, that since the last post here, i've only gone out of the house twice.

yes, twice. since last thursday.
such a loser. -_-

oh well, even as i type this, the boy's over in malaysia on his bike with his buddies. till tomorrow.
just can't wait till sunday.

on a random note, i have no bloody idea why this particular cycle is so bloody "hormonally-injected".

get this - i watched oprah, i cried; the boy sent me a sweet voice message, i laughed AND cried; i watched 'the notebook', i cried till the point of sobbing; i watched oprah again this afternoon, i cried.

what the. all in a span of 3 days.

by the way, 'the notebook' has to be at the top of my list for love stories, apart from 'autumn new york'. liken it to 'a walk to remember'. kind of. well, not exactly.

i seriously have no idea why i lost it.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

fatherless

i know so many blogs where they rant and rave and bitch and whine. and those are the kinds i get so sick of. but once in a while, you just have no where else to go to let everything out, in fear that people will mock and misunderstand you when you tell them of your plight. it's times like those, that lead me to the keyboard... and this is what happens.

most of you who know me well enough know that i've never known my biological father, and have only seen him face-to-face during two funerals. even then, we never spoke. i cannot explain the feeling that hit me when i saw him during those two instances - so many burning questions, but even more restrictions/taboos forbidding me to. i've only recently learnt that my step-father has not legally adopted me, so i've been fatherless for almost my entire life.

i've never seen him as a paternal figure from the day i met him, and i never will. he's always been this man who lives with us. and pays our bills. i always get insanely jealous when friends speak of how close they are to their parents, that it stings the depths of me.

i'll never know how it feels to have a mother, let alone a father to look up or turn to. even as i type this, tears threaten to well up, but i refuse to let my guard down. all i know is, i'm glad (yes, GLAD) that i have no feelings for this man i'm supposed to call 'father' now. because i was suddenly reminded of a memory that happened when i was just a kid:

my mom and step-father had a huge argument one evening, so much so that he threatened to leave the house and take (only) my sister with him. it scared my mom so much that, that night, she crept to the maid's room and desperatetely told the maid to wake her up, should he suddenly leave in the morning, taking my sister with him. nothing happened. but i got to know because the maid told me, the next morning, what had happened. and i knew at that instant, although i was naive and innocent, what my step-father thought of me.

and it explains why he has never considered legally adopting me. and why i've always been the black sheep in a place that's ironically called 'home'.

does it bother me?

i'm not bothered that he doesn't want me. because i don't want him either.
but i'm bothered that i have to put up with my "family" and the bunch of pathetic lies they've been feeding me since my mom married that son of a bitch.

i'm not apologising for anything i've said so far. because you haven't heard half of it.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

some funnies

Things to do in the MRT

1. Start the Kallang Wave.

2. Pretend that you are sleeping and sway violently.

3. For every person that comes in with a bag, point to them and shout "SUICIDE BOMBER!"

4. Pole dance.

5. Use your hanphone inverted.

6. Talk to someone over the phone with a loudspeaker. Then put the phone to your ear.

7. Run and change to the opposite you. Continuously.

8. Press the EMERGENCY DISTRESS BUTTON and say "One Big Mac Meal to go, please!"

9. Stand in front of the door, and demand "Ticket, please. "

10. Stand in front of the door and stop anyone from going in, stating "For VIPs only".

11. Open a garage sale in the cabin.

12. Do a survey in the MRT.

13. Be a waiter/waitress, "Coffee or tea, sir?"

14. Talk to your reflection. Pick a fight with "it" if you can.

15. Take everyone's passport size photo. After that, list on a paper "Suspect 1, Suspect 2" and so on.

16. Put some talcum powder on your palm and blow it. Stand up and reach for the sky screaming, "Anthrax! Woohooo! "

17. Check everyone's neck for a mark/distinct sign. Rally other "Heroes".

18. Try to stop the door from closing. In whatever way you can. Seriously.

19. Activate your bluetooth. Send introductory messages to everyone on the list. BUT, describe yourself as "The person next to you".

20. Slap someone on the cheeks. Reason: Mosquitoes.

21. Smoke to activate the sprinkler system. Bathe if you must.

22. Write the word "FIRE" on a piece of paper. Throw it on the floor. Take the fire extinguisher and hose it down.

23. Give everyone your email address. Tell them to add you on Friendster/Facebook.

24. Sit crossed legged. Tell everyone that you will float.

25. Cover your nose and point to the person next to you. Preferably one smaller than your size.

26. Lastly, fart before you exit the MRT.

this list has been compiled by the ever-so-hilarious Abu. gosh, reading your blog makes me smile. :D i should really try one of these some day. when i'm feeling *evil*.

anyway, considering i've had so much time to let my brain rot today, i got thinking about what we have. but that's for another day. till wednesday, i'll just look forward to seeing him smile at me.

like i said i do, whenever i see him. :)

Monday, January 14, 2008

3rd week of january

i can't believe this month has 5 weeks. it's way too long for me to bear.
i have this feeling that i'm waiting around for something better.

the only catch is that, i have no idea what it is i'm waiting for. really.

limbo.

in spite of all the bickering and fighting and arguing and squabbles and tears and screaming and anguish... i find myself missing him more and more each day. hmm.

i just hope that we're past that phase for a long time coming. this feels so much more better.
spending time with the dear cousin was awesome as always. but i just remembered, we didn't take any photos! :(

oh well, spending time with you is always a fest! :D and send special thanks to your friend for walking me home. hee.

actually, this post is written on a whim, because i just felt like rambling. so here's my rambles. :)
so there.

snuggling up to your armpit is the best place for me to escape.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

4 days

saturday we watched AVP 2, and went bowling.
sunday we went bowling. again.
monday we went to MIND cafe.
tuesday we sent his bike for servicing and went to the museum to see the greek masterpieces from the louvre.

4 days.

just what we needed.
and the funny thing is, the guy who fixed up his bike commented, "eh, yasin, if your wife wanna sit, just make yourself at home ah!"

we both looked at each other, smiled... and we both knew.
then he gave me a peck on my lips. :)

i really recommend "the greek masterpieces" showcase. it's so rich in history and although they only brought in about 150 pieces from a whole collection of 45,000 greek works from the louvre, it is still pretty interesting. gosh, i want to go GREECE.

i want january to be over quickly. it's getting boring.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

why do you love me?

if you asked this question to the one you love, and the response you got was:

"because you love me and care for me." and nothing else.

would that satisfy you? even if you asked and probed further, and all they continued to say was:

"what more do you want? i can't think of anything else."

would you be able to hear your heart shattering in your ears?

mine did. and i don't think i can pick them up all by myself. not this time.

Friday, January 04, 2008

what robert frost taught me today

he taught me "nothing gold can stay".

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

and how true is that, of the moments we live in ecstasy that are short-lived and few and rare.
i understand what he meant. yes, i read that one up.

i guess i can only guess why what happened, well, happened.
but it's a beautiful way of telling me that. i truly appreciate it. :)

4 days. 4 bloody freaky days!
woot! :D

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

happy 2008

new year's eve was the worst one i've had in all my years of living.
even those spent with the family were far better.

i won't and shall not dwell on details.
but let's just say i started off the first day of 2008 feeling like a complete fuck-up.

as i stared up into the branches where the fireworks were dazzling in the sky, i knew in my mind EXACTLY what kind of year this would turn out to be: it'll be bittersweet, sad and a tough one to get through.

2008 is looking to be a challenge in itself.

i hate to be this pessimistic, but there's really nothing i can honestly tell myself that'll keep my hopes up.

i stay because it's one thing i have hope left in. and that's what keeps me sane.