I am the secret that you keep; MISS SCARLET.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

semi-single

i'm slowly accepting the fact. and i realise something.

i don't know how to be single. unfortunately, i put all my eggs in one basket, and now that they're all broken... well, i have to start "gathering" again from scratch.

a dear friend smacked some sense into me last night while i was pouring myself out like an idiot, and this morning, i took the advice.

to move on with myself. not to forget him, but to just build myself up along the way, so that when closure's nearby, i have myself to rely on. and my sanity, of course.

i'll still keep photos of him and us around, but i have to take care of me now. i love him enough to know that as long as he is happy (even if i'm not the one making him so), i should be happy for him.

baby, if you happen to still visit this blog (which i highly doubt so), i'm not saying i'm over you, or i want to forget us. if you still want to work things out, i'll be waiting right here. but i cannot pine and worry myself to sleep every night thinking of you. we both owe it to ourselves to get what we want out of life. you're getting yours now (i hope), and i shall too, with mine. i'll always love you - and trust me, it'll take a bloody long time before i'm over you.

maybe i never will.

Monday, February 25, 2008

2 days MIA

my initial thought was to take a break from blogging as long as my baby's taking a break from me. but i can't contain all of it within me.

me: if there's one thing that i learnt from all this, it's that, i guess i care more about him than i thought.
cousin nasser: good, it means you learnt something.

maybe he is right. but this sucks. period.
he didn't come home. all because of me. and all i wished for my birthday was to go back to the way things were before our argument. me and my acid tongue.

finally, at 5.19 pm sunday evening, i got an SMS from him:
"im sori 2 do this 2u. U were just 2 much. I need sum time 2 cool down. Coz im pissed at u. U jz took me 4 granted. Call u when im ready."

word for word.

i cried tears of relief, but i know it's just the beginning. it's bad enough i've been in tears the entire weekend. i know it'll be days before i hear from him. i just hope he'll listen to my earnest apology and is willing to start afresh. i really hate myself.

but i trust him to know what he's doing. and i have faith he'll come back.
my mom said it's a good time to reflect and realise if he's really the one for me.
and all i could think to myself, was, "all the more i think that he is!"

not having him to talk to, to laugh with, to hold dear... everything else is nothing.

(i may sound mushy and overly dramatic - i realise some of you may think that. but honestly, he's my only family.)

and he told me - in my birthday card - "i AM your family".
i'm keeping faith. and that keeps me sane.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

i think he's really....

gone.

my world is dead.

22nd year

last night was special. but as i've learnt, "nothing gold can stay".

and never in my life has such a line been more apt. consistently. i've had so many short, beautiful moments that never lasted in the past few months.

today may be my actual birthday, but it's also the day that my boyfriend decided to "run away from me". it sounds stupid when i say it like that, but he's not answered any phone call (at home and on his mobile), any SMS, any voice message and i'm assuming he's completely switched off his mobile, in fact.

all because of a fight we had last night, after such an unforgettable date.
it's like he's just GONE.

even his mom doesn't know where he is, or if he'll come home.

i can be all desperate and worry. but i guess karma's a bitch.
i ruined his birthday with my food poisoning, and he ruins mine by disappearing.

today's nothing without him.
it's just a vast, empty space.
vacuum.

happy birthday to me.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

TGIW tomorrow

the only reason i'm willing to grit my teeth through this week, in spite of all the PMS i'm going through, is because i have my birthday to look forward to this saturday. but the surprises will start on friday. :)

i'm not looking forward to growing a year older as i am excited about the company that will be by my side when i do turn. hee.

i'm a little overwhelmed by thursday because it'll be the FIRST birthday and the FIRST time i'm making (i didn't say 'baking' because it's a crepe cake) a cake all by myself. i think i caught the baking bug. :-P

3 days to go. just 3.

Friday, February 15, 2008

cheesy sweets

so yesterday was the 14th. and i had a nice LONG lunch with eric. gosh, it's been months since i saw you. and it jogged my memory as to why we always have super long conversations! it was fun - next week again! yay.

city hall was packed with office women carrying and adorning flowers, balloons, gifts and all things (almost) sickeningly sweet. we went into billabong to check out if they had new and nice stuff, and just before heading out, eric came up to me and said, "i think i'm past my billabong phase." and i asked, "are you sure?"

this guy has a whole section in his wardrobe just overloaded with billabong surfer shorts. he was crazy for the brand towards the end of last semester, it was insane. -_-

and his reply was, "no." i was just amused. hah.

then, the moment we stepped out of the store, there stood a lady in office wear. and unfortunately for us, we had to witness her squealing welcome when she saw her partner walk up to her with a bouquet of flowers.

lady: "EEEE!!! you got this for MEEEE???" (grinning insanely)
partner: *cheesily walking over to her, hand with bouquet stretched out, with a goofy grin plastered to his damn face*

me and eric just stared at the couple, walked on and gave each other that knowing look. we both knew what the other was thinking. i felt like smacking my forehead.

i just had to get out of that overly-stuffed-with-mushy-couples place. it wasn't 'city hall' that day - it was 'cheesy hall'. *barf*

am i happy that my own boy is cynical about valentine's and is irked by how consumerism has overtaken the meaning of love?
partly yes and no.

but we get by with our way of showing our affection for one another on that day. so far, it's been only dinner dates. but the company is priceless! :)

thanks honey, especially for now.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

happy 14th! :)

i'm not going to label today as "valentine's day" only because i'm aware not everyone is celebrating it in that over-the-top-mushy way. or even have anyone significant to share it with.

so i'll just use the date to signify love - between couples, friends, family (not my type) and even with your pets!

i'm just waiting till saturday to celebrate my happy 14th. :)
no special gifts or fancy surprises, just a nice dinner and the company of the man i love.
oh, plus the extra effort i took to make an A4-sized handmade card.

don't you miss those days when cards meant so much more than those store bought ones with cheesy captions and meaningless messages today?
yucks.

"thank you for almost 3 years of tolerance, undying love, faith, loyalty
and passion. i hate to be cheesy and corny all at once - or even one of those
things at a time - but i honestly don't know how'd i get through if you didn't
stand by side, slap me (not literally!) back to reality or just listen to
my stories. for all these, and more to come, i love you for. cheers!"

Monday, February 11, 2008

i've found an answer

after almost 22 years of living.

the question: "what do you want to be when you grow up?"

my answer: "anything, but nothing like my mother."

in fact, nothing like my family. i want to the be apple that fell FAR away from the tree (is that right?).

i'm just sick of it all. the drama, the pettiness, the hypocrisy and the hatred.
no one deserves this bullshit.

and people tell me i shouldn't be so negative or critical - after all, they are my family.
well, i tell them, "you haven't lived with my family".

family isn't blood. it's who you make them to be.
and mine is only him. and her.

Friday, February 08, 2008

2nd day of lunar new year

the boy's away in malaysia. AGAIN. it seems that we see less and less of each other every week. strangely enough though, i'm beginning to get used to him not being there. it's not about being ignorant, but coming to terms with his absence has made me learn to not depend on him so much. and yet, we're in the best place in our relationship so far, in the (almost) 3 years together.

funny how you're the most happiest with yourself when the person you love the most isn't there half the time.

it's only the 2nd day everyone's home, but it's killing me already. a sheer hell-hole. i think i'm a hermit. and i love being the pariah. call me anti-social, but i think if i didn't settle down with anyone for the rest of my life, i'd be most content.

i haven't thought about valentine's. oh wait, i have - i've thought about spending it with someone else other than my own partner. not that the boy is even going/willing to be free on valentine's itself. pfft.

i haven't thought about my birthday. oh wait, i have - i've thought about how old i'll be.

i miss him. when he was crazy about me.

Monday, February 04, 2008

34th month

i made double chocolate fudge brownies last friday. and so far, the reception was (surprisingly) ... good! i even managed to get my step-dad to give his vanilla-loving taste buds a break and wolf down my sinful creation! awesome. :D

next kitchen project: my birthday cake. yikes.
scary just thinking about it.

anyway, for those who wish to catch the ever-brooding johnny depp in sweeney todd, please bear in mind that you have to really either love depp or tim burton... and have a considerable tolerance towards musicals. dialogue is sparse, so only if you enjoy stories told through songs, should you watch it. i did the wrong thing by dragging the boy with me to catch it (due to my LOVE for depp), and he almost fell asleep. let alone, almost wanted to urge me to leave halfway. :(

needless to say, i felt bad.

if you still want to catch it, i recommend the songs. some of them really stick in your head, and depp (sweeney todd) and carter (ms. lovett) are not half-bad singers, considering their profession is acting. sacha baron cohen injects his normal dose of comic relief as usual, which is admirably charming. the plot is not brilliant, shamefully. it did fall below my expectations of an engaging storyline - especially since i love burton's dark, halloween-esque movies. reflectively, the movie gets 3.5 out of 5 (that's pretty good, considering the boy gave it a stingy, measly, pathetic 0.5! that's him, though).

... 34 months you say? and over 2 weeks without bickering? awesome.
crazily-fantabulously-amazing. i love YOU.

and by the way, T3 (yes, the spanking new terminal 3) is great for running. if only they could fit an ice-skating rink in there. you'd see me there every week.
i love our airport for it's weird sense of serenity.

and for letting me eat popeye's. which is way more "dignified" than kfc's rip-off of grease-injected chicken. yucks!

i've never felt more loved by you. or more love for you. :)