i'm not even going to bother to put a header on this entry. i think it speaks for itself and i think everyone, at some point in their lives, hits a benchmark when your life is not going to ever be the same. the way you live it, the way you experience it, the way you see it.
this year has definitely been one of the most challenging years for me. emotionally and mentally. psychologically, maybe even so. i never expected that i had to push myself so hard and far that it's got to be the year that i broke down plenty of times. i screwed up my relationships with people i cared about. i disappointed myself when deep down i knew i could've done things differently. but i think the crux of all this, comes down to the fact that i failed as role model of an elder sister.
my sister and me are 6 years apart. she's 12, i'm 18. but when i spend time with her, i don't feel at all older. you can say she reminds of the times when i was naive, but in a good way, when i always wanted to find out about stuff. i didn't care really, whether or not what i was doing was good or bad. wrong or right. my parents didn't really tell me about violence, betrayal, hurt, anger... or even the "birds and the bees". i found out about everything myself. and till this day, i still am learning by myself, by going through the emotions, my observations, what i hear, and what my gut feeling tells me.
okay, the whole point of this is that, my mom has recently been putting most, if not ALL, of the blame on me, for the rapid rate of maturity that my sister has developed. maturity in the sense of thinking and responding to different situations. her opinions and her two-cents worth. she says i overexpose her to adult content; via shows, magazines and music that deliver a bad influence or that generate ill-mannered misconceptions. the one thing i don't get is: WHAT DID I DO? my sister, i admit, is more mature than most of her friends her age. but aren't all kids like that nowadays? i don't see anything even resembling "R(A)" content in the innocent child that she is. i see myself when i was her age, in fact: curious, mischievious, just a typical KID. the LAST thing i want to do is corrupt her mind. she's my only friend at home. she's my best friend in my family life. i would die for her.
a simple "mistake" of leaving out a CLEO magazine can get me lectured by my mom. a simple coincidence of my sister walking in during a make-out scene during a movie or explicit lyrics on the stereo can get me the nagging. "you're not responsible". "i'm worried about your sister growing up too fast". "what have i told you before? can you please be more of an adult?" IRONICALLY, the FAMILY chooses to watch that '70s show together... and guess what? BINGO! right on... i got the blame for "letting" her watch that show. WHAT DID I DO? WHAT DID I FUCKING DO?
in an attempt to TRY and redeem myself here, i can safely say i've given all the advice i can give as an elder sister to her, so she won't go through the same mistakes, same pain and same HELL as i went through. i've done nothing but give her the best of what my life has offered me so far. so... can someone show me some light? (since obviously i can't do the same for my sister)
Saturday, November 20, 2004
it's always a wonder
it's always a wonder how when you realise that you just passed a place, eaten a food, sipped a drink or even uttered something that vaguely reminds you of something or someone who used to be a part of your life, you suddenly stop in your tracks and feel awkward and have this queasy feeling in your stomach. well, at least if the memory of that person or thing is bad, or just not very pleasant to remember. a very good example would be when i was eating dinner last night. we had spaghetti with this green herbal source (it's not THAT disgusting as it sounds; in fact, i LOVED it! ^_^) i kind of had an idea what the sauce was called, but i just couldn't remember. then i asked my mom what it was, and she said it was pesto sauce. my mind went blank, and i just said,"Oooo... okay." suddenly, dinner wasn't so appetising, although i was famished. out of a sudden, i actually felt a lump in my throat and had a queasy stomach upset. but i continued eating, out of politeness. i knew why i felt this way: spaghetti with pesto sauce was my date's favourite italian dish. i remembered how he excitedly told me about that one, haha.
i know a person being reminded of memories that they'd rather forget makes them nostalgic or even stoned for awhile. but i didn't really think one could lose their appetite because of it. that was a VERY weird feeling. it felt as though the food was suddenly poisoned or contaminated with who-knows-what-shit.
oh well, so far my freakin' A levels haven't been very kind to me. instead of explaining Malthus' Theory for my human geography paper yesterday, i explained Butler's theory. sorry to you guys who don't know what i'm really talking about. the point is, that was worth a whole chunk of 9 marks. damnit. guess i can kiss good bye to NUS. or any university for that matter. i can almost foresee my result slip with big Os and Es... nothing more than a D if a miracle happens. we'll see if my gut feeling is right in about 4 months time.
in the mean time, i'm going to take it slow. take it tough. and grit my teeth for one more week.
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
hehe... maybe i'm bored here. but i still think this cast picture of The OC is tops... i just love the show!!! hmm... now they adorn my desktop, and i can look forward to watching it every Thursday; one hour of it is not even enough! (sorry, studying has made me fill this space up with useless stuff that you guys probably don't even care about, but what the heck, it's still MY blog. Muahahaha ^_^)
Posted by Hello
now THIS is something i would consider wearing for prom night. it's elegant yet sweet and stylish.. what do you think? again, *sobs*, it's only sold online. man, if only my parents were for that sort of stuff. anyone knows places or at least A PLACE where they sell stuff that looks this nice?
Posted by Hello
what do you think of this? i think it's real CUTE. too bad it's only sold online... *sobs* hey, considering this IS the first time i go for something PINK out of my own will. now THAT is something interesting... hmm...
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very much dazed and stoned...
oh well, i did promise you guys that i would finish the story i started in my previous entry. or did i?... hmm, either way i think i should. so, to end off everything, my Epitomy of Mystery called me up and forced me to tell him what i told his girlfriend (she called back and confessed to me you see. then i had to tell her the whole story from Day 1 how we met and how everything ended between us until now. it seems she's been with him for 7 months. i made a remark that, that was unusually long for him to be attached to one girl, and even she knew this. heh, well, she MUST be one special girl). i've never heard him so friggin' pissed off before... i was almost scared he was going to threaten me. but i had to keep calm and assertive myself. i insisted i didn't need to tell him what i said because he bloody well knew what i told her, but he kept on insisting and shouting at me. so i blurted out whatever i told the poor girl. then these were his final words,"FINE! I WILL NEVER KEEP IN CONTACT WITH YOU EVER AGAIN OKAY?!"... the phone went dead. i didn't even get to reason out with him, or say anything for that matter. then i sat there staring at the phone, and cried. i thought what i did was right; he had to be put in his place. in the end, i lost a friend, and my date never called back. EVER. i never intended to hurt anyone, especially that poor innocent girl... a total stranger to me. in the end, the person who saw the misery in this was Me.
but i've picked up whatever was left of that night, and had to go on like nothing had happened. an old classmate of mine comforted me in saying that,"You know that if it was really meant to be between you two, it will work out somehow. And if he really likes you, he would do anything to be with you." i guess he's right. he IS right. that's why i'm not waiting around anymore. i think i'd rather be single and care-free than be tied down to someone who doesn't return my affections. BUT he was someone i wanted to get to know for 5 years. all that waiting for nothing. all those secret crushes wasted. on Him. oh well, it's not the first time Fate has once again NOT served up to my appetite.
yesterday was a bad day for mugging. i studied for 5 hours straight and by that time i had a splitting headache, my eyes were all watery and i felt naseous. to make things worse, i had the chance to sleep considerably early (i mean turning in at 12 rather than the usual 2.30 or so IS early), but i couldn't. i think i had FAR too many things on my mind. then i thought of warm arms embracing me and sweet voices hushing me to sleep... my Angel. i managed to doze off at 1.45 a.m. today is a better day, i should think at least. i'm taking it easy... well, of course, since i'm here typing all this out. i'm counting down till the 25th November.
please, please, please come quickly. not that i'm prepared, but i want to get over you. You friggin' freakin' A-Levels!!!
Thursday, November 04, 2004
i waited for you, but you left me with dust in my face...
oh well, once again, i'm the dumb one. the stupid one. the pathetic loser. i went out with that guy i mentioned in the previous entry. (you notice i don't mention names because i don't want any personal attacks; i just want to tell the story as it is from what i perceive it as). so, we ended up in town and had dinner at Pasta Mania @ Scotts. during the date (if you call it that), he was a total gentleman. no doubt. he even paid for the whole date. ice-cream and all... awww... sho shweet. :-D but then there was an instance where he bumped into a FEMALE colleague of his from work and they started looking through pics on his phone, chatting and taking more pictures... i was pretty pissed. (hello?? am i suddenly invisible?) then every step we took down Orchard, it was like he knew every other person. SO intimidating.
so, my date didn't saprk off anything, and he explicitly told me he wasn't ready for a relationship, and how he always stays back in school to complete projects. but he's funny. he makes me laugh. and smile. but what happened when i got home, is really what turned everything around.
my Epitomy Of Mystery in my life called me up. he said his usually ramblings of how he busy he's been, how he misses me and wants to meet me. he asked me what i did that evening, and i told him i just came back from hanging out with a friend. when i mentioned who it was, he knew instantly who he was (they used to play soccer together). then my mom came in. so i had to hang up and wash up. after that, i came back to my room, and then my date called me. he asked if i knew anyone called "so-and-so" (no, i won't say his name). i said there was only one "so-and-so" whom i knew, so i don't know if that's the same person he's talking about. then he explained that this "so-and-so" SMSed him vulgarities and asked why he went out with me and didn't ask his permission. i was like "WHAT??!"... "what else did he say?"... "err.. wait, he just SMSed me back. i'll call you back and tell you what he said." so there i waited.
"well, he said vulgarities and asked why i didn't ask his permission before i went out with you. he said 'she's my ex you know'." then i knew it was the same "so-and-so" he was talking about. then i told my date straight up, seriously, "whatever this fucker tells you, just don't believe him. i'm serious. he's played with my mind before." then my date casually replied "don't worry. i've been thruogh this before." whatever that means... i didn't bother to ask because i was just fuming freakin' mad. the first thing that came into my mind was "i'm trying to win this guy over, and now my ex has to come back to ruin my 2nd chance? WTF does he want?... what does my date think of me now?" then my date provided another piece of information that was useful, "by the way, you know "so-and-so" has a girlfriend?... she's a friend of mine." WTF lar...
so, a brilliant plan came into my mind. i asked my date for this girl's number. i told him what i was going to do. if she really was this fucker's girlfriend, and he has the cheek to come into my life and ruin it, i shall do it my way. to HIM , this time. so i JUST got off the phone with her. apparently, they are not a couple. but she knows him. and TRUSTS him. so i told her to watch her back. and i don't intend to threaten her or have any sort of personal attack on her. and assured her i won't call her again. so that's done. then my date called up and asked if i called the fucker's little girl friend (he didn't call him a fucker, it's just my term for him). i said yup, and told him what i told her. then my date asked what we (me and the Epitomy Of Mystery) talked about that night. and i said the usual stuff, like saying he misses me, wants to meet me... blah, blah, blah. so my date was like, "oh, okay, because she just called me up and i told her your ex said he misses you and all. then she was like all 'huh??' and her morale went into a total flop." immediately i knew, she had feelings for this fucker. then he said he will call me back later because he has another incoming call. now i'm waiting for his call and seriously, i feel sooooo jinxed.
i have been given a second chance to get to know this guy. and my ex HAS to interfere with it, make me do extra work to clean up his friggin' mess. i feel like i'm doing a horrible job of impressing my date by introducing my ugly past to him. i think he must feel i'm a fucking burden. i think i should back out now, before he turns me down AGAIN. at least if i step back by my own self will, i know it's for the best in the long run. and i have only myself to blame.
I really like you. But if i want to avoid hurting myself, and you later on, i think i should leave before it's too late. obviously your life is too full for a pathetic problematic girl like me. i don't want to burden you nor do i want to be the crusher of your friendships. I will still like you, as i have done secretly for 5 years. but never had the guts to admit it. but i guess our meeting was never meant to be. and never will it be.
