I am the secret that you keep; MISS SCARLET.

Thursday, April 22, 2004

nothing ever gets better on my life; it's already proven that i'm useless

i'm so sure i'm good at nothing, and probably also a good for nothing. i had my TT04 yesterday. and it was fucked up. judges were fucked up. they bloody can't appreciate real bands. they threatened us with only 3 minutes to set up or we'll be disqualified. what THE FUCK! even pro bands don't take 3 miserable, pathetic minutes!!! so, i left my bass untuned and just played. or in my case, i played the first 3 chords and it was disgust to the ear, so i immediately stopped plucking and i faked playing throughout the whole performance. i've never been so humiliated in my life on stage like that, or i think (and i HOPE!!) will ever be. when they cut us off halfway (because they'll tell you to stop when they think they've heard enough), i just switched off the amplifier, plugged out my bass, and stormed off the stage. and cried.

i was the only one who broke down actually, to my surprise. i think i was the only one who felt that all our time, money and efforts have gone to a complete waste. and today, when the results were released, it was revealed that none of the bands got through. i think they're just lazy to get through the process of waiting for us to set up the band. screw all of them - music killers!! >:-(

then, there was the dance category. and my ex was taking part. he is part of the defending champion group. they won last year, you see. and of course, they made it through to the semi-finals again. i think they'll win. they danced to a hip-hop mix of britney spears's toxic plus tracks from the movie soundtrack 'Honey'. it was fantastic. but that's not what pulled at something deep within me. when i saw him up there, it wasn't the kind of 'hey, that's my friend up there - i'm proud of him.' it was more of 'hey, that's my EX up there - i'm really proud of him.' i don't know. i'm not saying i'm bearing thoughts of patching up, because i know we are very different people now and we have very different expectations in a relationship. but i looked back and wondered, what if we were similar in perceptions and thought? we would make a fantastic duo. because, now, as friends we have so much fun and laughter. it's really great, the way things are between us now - now i understand what we had was a mistake, and we really are more suited for each other as friends; or good friends at most.

of course i look at you, i miss your warmth next to me. sometimes it still hurts, though not as much as before. but i know now, it was for the best, and i've grown to learn that i should never take things for granted. i loved you, no doubt. i never loved like that in a long time. to me, you'll always be special - and thank you for keeping our friendship, it means more to me than you'll ever know.