I am the secret that you keep; MISS SCARLET.

Monday, November 22, 2004

i'm not even going to bother to put a header on this entry. i think it speaks for itself and i think everyone, at some point in their lives, hits a benchmark when your life is not going to ever be the same. the way you live it, the way you experience it, the way you see it.

this year has definitely been one of the most challenging years for me. emotionally and mentally. psychologically, maybe even so. i never expected that i had to push myself so hard and far that it's got to be the year that i broke down plenty of times. i screwed up my relationships with people i cared about. i disappointed myself when deep down i knew i could've done things differently. but i think the crux of all this, comes down to the fact that i failed as role model of an elder sister.

my sister and me are 6 years apart. she's 12, i'm 18. but when i spend time with her, i don't feel at all older. you can say she reminds of the times when i was naive, but in a good way, when i always wanted to find out about stuff. i didn't care really, whether or not what i was doing was good or bad. wrong or right. my parents didn't really tell me about violence, betrayal, hurt, anger... or even the "birds and the bees". i found out about everything myself. and till this day, i still am learning by myself, by going through the emotions, my observations, what i hear, and what my gut feeling tells me.

okay, the whole point of this is that, my mom has recently been putting most, if not ALL, of the blame on me, for the rapid rate of maturity that my sister has developed. maturity in the sense of thinking and responding to different situations. her opinions and her two-cents worth. she says i overexpose her to adult content; via shows, magazines and music that deliver a bad influence or that generate ill-mannered misconceptions. the one thing i don't get is: WHAT DID I DO? my sister, i admit, is more mature than most of her friends her age. but aren't all kids like that nowadays? i don't see anything even resembling "R(A)" content in the innocent child that she is. i see myself when i was her age, in fact: curious, mischievious, just a typical KID. the LAST thing i want to do is corrupt her mind. she's my only friend at home. she's my best friend in my family life. i would die for her.

a simple "mistake" of leaving out a CLEO magazine can get me lectured by my mom. a simple coincidence of my sister walking in during a make-out scene during a movie or explicit lyrics on the stereo can get me the nagging. "you're not responsible". "i'm worried about your sister growing up too fast". "what have i told you before? can you please be more of an adult?" IRONICALLY, the FAMILY chooses to watch that '70s show together... and guess what? BINGO! right on... i got the blame for "letting" her watch that show. WHAT DID I DO? WHAT DID I FUCKING DO?

in an attempt to TRY and redeem myself here, i can safely say i've given all the advice i can give as an elder sister to her, so she won't go through the same mistakes, same pain and same HELL as i went through. i've done nothing but give her the best of what my life has offered me so far. so... can someone show me some light? (since obviously i can't do the same for my sister)