I am the secret that you keep; MISS SCARLET.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

it's so easy to take things for granted

we always say, "Never take things for granted".. but do we always listen to our own advice? NO. it's human nature. but at the same time, it's a big human flaw. right now, i'm feeling the consequence of that "innate" quality of humans. i use to find school a drag, i thought the post A-Levels life would be more.... relaxing and easy-going. it's total crap. i can't find a part-time job i think i'm competent in (or they refuse to get back to me), i put up with my naggy, high-strung mom EVERY FUCKING DAY, and i feel uber, super-duper lonely.

can it get any worse?

i'm desperate. for what?... maybe a job, maybe some "alone time"; but i think most of all, someone to talk to, a companion. sure, talking to Tigger is nice... but his innocent mind wouldn't understand any pain we humans inflict on ourselves. what makes me feel even more crappier about myself is that i feel like my sister has managed to accomplish things i will never be able to in my life time. i mean look at her: she's won medals for ice-skating competitions, gotten a higher aggregate for her PSLE than me, and MANAGED to get into St. Margaret's by appeal. (that, not including the fact she's freaking skinny and tall)

compared to me... by the time i entered Secondary 1, i was a total bum... gained weight and my best talent was talking nonsense and getting in trouble with my mom for petty things. financially, my parents invested alot of $$ into my sister's ice-skating... we're talking an accumulation of thousands. i don't recall my parents ever considering putting that much of funds into something i was ever passionate about. like my poetry. even now, my passion's dead.

and how hypocritical was my dad, when one minute he said my idea of wanting to pursue Psychology at University (if i get in , that is) was supported. and at the next minute, he laughed... no wait! MOCKED!! at the idea in front of my Literature teacher during the Meet-the-Parents session. i have never been so humiliated and embarrassed in my life; by my own FAMILY. i wanted to cry, but i could only look down, turn red and wished the floor would swallow me there and then.

during this very mundane period of my life, i have managed to reflect on many things. and one of them is my relationships with people. friends. past boyfriends. but primarily, my family members. i see where i stand in the family, and even though it doesn't look good from where i'm standing, i'm not about to try and make myself be heard. it's too frustrating. too energy-sapping. it's been too long overdue. after everything that i've ever prioritised for my parents, or for the family as a whole, it never goes acknowledged. so why bother?

i don't ask for much, i never have. even money-wise, i save up for YEARS to get myself something nice. why can't i be treated like an adult with equal opportunities?

God. Why am i even here?