I am the secret that you keep; MISS SCARLET.

Sunday, July 31, 2005

appreciation

i need not seek far to learn how to appreciate what i have (other than my parents). i feel blessed having the sister, friends and boyfriend that i have. how am i able to feel that much gratitude? i just look at my parents (ironically). they epitomise what i never want to become. in spite of many others who look up to their parents for comfort, support and admiration, i don't. i just need to observe their interaction and their principles, and it irks me. that's why everything that you guys do for me, i am thankful.

finally after 3 weeks of not going behind the wheel, i managed to go for my driving lesson. it was drizzling, and i was supposed to learn my u-turn and round-a-bout turn. my u-turn went horribly wrong on first attempt. i didn't make the turn (because i panicked and returned the wheel while accelerating) and accelerated into the sidewalk. ON PUBLIC ROAD. so, my instructor was super pissed with me and scolded me for not listening to directions. i was thinking, "hello?? this is only my first try. people do make mistakes ok? quit raving at me!" but things went better from then on, thank God. driving is definitely stressful when you don't do in a long while. he even commented my risk forecast is extremely weak. so you can more or less guess that i'm one driver who's most likely to crash, due to careless observation of dangers on the road. so, once i get my licence, don't ask me to give you a ride ok? (don't say i didn't warn you. heh.)

my mom's been buzzing in my ear relentlessly this past week. every single fucking day she asks me if i've asked my consultant at school about the award i want to take. every single day. to the point that, even yesterday (Saturday), she forgot i didn't go to school and asked if i have asked yet. what the FUCK. i have been doing something about it every day, and i only know bit by bit. it's not my frigging fault the school's not that competent.

and my dad's been asking me what my target is for getting my driver's licence. i said i don't have one, and he's pressurising me to get it ASAP. asking me how many lessons more, what i've been doing. just let me be for fuck's sake!

and arguing with You about the same issue over and over AND OVER again doesn't help. just let it go okay? nothing will happen. nothing has happened. please, i'm practically begging You. i just feel so exhausted after every argument. sometimes my head hurts. and i know what You said, was out of sheer rage. but no ex i had ever said that to me, in spite of whatever differences we had. i guess that is why it hurt even more, coming from You. You might as well slap me. i could never bring myself to say that, even if i was fuming mad. because i know i still do love You. oh well, what the heck. just forget it.

damn, then why did i just say i feel grateful and blessed? sheesh. -_-