The signal is subtle
We pass just close enough to touch
No questions, no answers
We know by now to say enough
With only simple words
With only subtle turns
The things we feel alone for one another
There is a secret that we keep
I won't sleep if you won't sleep
Because tonight may be the last chance we'll be given
We are compelled to do what we must do
We are compelled to do what we have been forbidden
So I won't sleep if you won't sleep tonight
Sunday, July 03, 2005
a depressing day
"as if every other day isn't depressing for me"... i should be thinking that. yea, i guess technically you could say that to me, but this time it's a different kind of sadness.
the moment i woke up this morning, i knew it was going to be a slow, draggy day regardless of what i was going to do - be it full of activities or just plain bumming around. my heart would still be as heavy and i wouldn't have any mood to talk to anyone. and i was right.
my body was sore, aching and just tired. but most importantly, i just felt a wash of sadness and a sudden need for solitude. some alone time, by myself. and no one else. i needed time to reflect on what just happened last night with You. was i really such an "ugly" person?did i not care for Your feelings?was i REALLY being a selfish bitch? we both sat aside an entire Saturday to spend time with each other, to thrash things out, as well as to materialise the time that never happens with each other. and most importantly to signify our 3rd month together. (okay, for you guys reading out there, i know 3 months if "pfft" for alot of you, but trust me, these 3 months have been one hell of a ride for me).
last night, it opened my eyes to how my heart has felt for these past few months. to actually be able to visualise your own emotions, is rare. and though i'm not saying i am proud or glad that last night ended on a very rough note, i took away many lessons from it. about me. about You.
when i saw the pain i caused You, it tore me up inside. i didn't know what to do - while i wanted to hold You so much, i was also afraid i'd just do more damage than i'd already caused.
i'm sorry. sorry i didn't comfort You. sorry i was so selfish. sorry i walked away. sorry i wasn't there for You.
and as stupid as it sounds - to cause hurt to someone you love just to realise what you mean to them; that's exactly what happened. as they say, "what doesn't break you, only makes you stronger". just don't hate me, for i could never live with that guilt. all i know is that i feel whole around You, and truly blessed to have someone in my life to love me as much as You do.
"what a drag of a drama queen"... some of you reading this might say. and yes, reading back this entry, i probably would agree with that point of view. but emotions come as real as they can, every last bit of it. and i am very lucky to have felt this much pain, love and life as i have. though at times, i'd rather just have the love and nothing else. pfft.
to my best friend, Zakiah: i am UBER glad you're back and i feel so relieved to be able to share my plight with you. i do agree with your take on my relationship, and to some extent i just wish that i had your kind of guts. but i guess then, i wouldn't be me, huh? don't worry, i'll take care of myself... and i know if i ever need that pillow of comfort to fall back on, i know who to turn to. ^_^ everything's all about compromise i guess. though we all know, some humans just refuse to give in.
to end a depressing day, i have to remind myself that school starts on Thursday for me. shucks. oh well, at least i can escape the clutches of my mom. (whoops, did i just say that?)
PUT YOUR LOVELY NAME HERE
Wani
23/02/1986 (Pisces)
(Psychology & Communications) Monash University
Chatting, chilling, poetry, movies, making love, making out.
Tigger & Princess
In love with love; cynical with a hint of tease. ;) LOVE THE WORLD AND SMILE AT THE STRANGER.
