The signal is subtle
We pass just close enough to touch
No questions, no answers
We know by now to say enough
With only simple words
With only subtle turns
The things we feel alone for one another
There is a secret that we keep
I won't sleep if you won't sleep
Because tonight may be the last chance we'll be given
We are compelled to do what we must do
We are compelled to do what we have been forbidden
So I won't sleep if you won't sleep tonight
Thursday, January 17, 2008
fatherless
i know so many blogs where they rant and rave and bitch and whine. and those are the kinds i get so sick of. but once in a while, you just have no where else to go to let everything out, in fear that people will mock and misunderstand you when you tell them of your plight. it's times like those, that lead me to the keyboard... and this is what happens.
most of you who know me well enough know that i've never known my biological father, and have only seen him face-to-face during two funerals. even then, we never spoke. i cannot explain the feeling that hit me when i saw him during those two instances - so many burning questions, but even more restrictions/taboos forbidding me to. i've only recently learnt that my step-father has not legally adopted me, so i've been fatherless for almost my entire life.
i've never seen him as a paternal figure from the day i met him, and i never will. he's always been this man who lives with us. and pays our bills. i always get insanely jealous when friends speak of how close they are to their parents, that it stings the depths of me.
i'll never know how it feels to have a mother, let alone a father to look up or turn to. even as i type this, tears threaten to well up, but i refuse to let my guard down. all i know is, i'm glad (yes, GLAD) that i have no feelings for this man i'm supposed to call 'father' now. because i was suddenly reminded of a memory that happened when i was just a kid:
my mom and step-father had a huge argument one evening, so much so that he threatened to leave the house and take (only) my sister with him. it scared my mom so much that, that night, she crept to the maid's room and desperatetely told the maid to wake her up, should he suddenly leave in the morning, taking my sister with him. nothing happened. but i got to know because the maid told me, the next morning, what had happened. and i knew at that instant, although i was naive and innocent, what my step-father thought of me.
and it explains why he has never considered legally adopting me. and why i've always been the black sheep in a place that's ironically called 'home'.
does it bother me?
i'm not bothered that he doesn't want me. because i don't want him either. but i'm bothered that i have to put up with my "family" and the bunch of pathetic lies they've been feeding me since my mom married that son of a bitch.
i'm not apologising for anything i've said so far. because you haven't heard half of it.
PUT YOUR LOVELY NAME HERE
Wani
23/02/1986 (Pisces)
(Psychology & Communications) Monash University
Chatting, chilling, poetry, movies, making love, making out.
Tigger & Princess
In love with love; cynical with a hint of tease. ;) LOVE THE WORLD AND SMILE AT THE STRANGER.
