I am the secret that you keep; MISS SCARLET.

The signal is subtle
We pass just close enough to touch
No questions, no answers
We know by now to say enough
With only simple words
With only subtle turns
The things we feel alone for one another

There is a secret that we keep
I won't sleep if you won't sleep
Because tonight may be the last chance we'll be given
We are compelled to do what we must do
We are compelled to do what we have been forbidden

So I won't sleep if you won't sleep tonight

Monday, January 30, 2012

revisiting an old nightmare

i guess it's true that i've been burying that secret all these months, and i can safely admit that the only reason is because i have to. i can't possibly deal with it, nor can i confront it.

i've tried before, and it really doesn't end up anywhere. nothing changes, not even how i feel. and the worst part, is no one has really given a shit about how i feel. not that i want pity or sympathy.

because getting past something like that isn't something someone should ever go through alone. but the reality is that, sometimes, that's what you're left with. and then what?

watching the recent episode of desperate housewives dug up that old haunting memory so vividly, i almost forgot how painful it truly is. i was definitely tempted to look for someone to talk to, with all those tears welled up in my eyes. but then i thought to myself, what difference will it make?

will it make someone else care? will it make me feel better? has it ever bothered anyone else in the first place?

the answer is no. if my own flesh and blood can easily wash their hands off a horrendous incident like this, and tell me that i should just let it go, what more someone who has no business in it?

it's times like these that i have nothing left but myself to console myself (if that makes sense). and the only way to do that is, if no one gives a fuck, then i'll do it. because i know what happened, how horrified i am, and how it will NEVER go away. i will always harbour resentment and anger towards the people who should've given a fuck, because that's what family is for.

i've just learnt live a lie every single fucking day of my life so well, so that i can come off looking like i'm really trying to be that perfect daughter you so wish for.