I am the secret that you keep; MISS SCARLET.

The signal is subtle
We pass just close enough to touch
No questions, no answers
We know by now to say enough
With only simple words
With only subtle turns
The things we feel alone for one another

There is a secret that we keep
I won't sleep if you won't sleep
Because tonight may be the last chance we'll be given
We are compelled to do what we must do
We are compelled to do what we have been forbidden

So I won't sleep if you won't sleep tonight

Friday, September 14, 2012

childhood bullies

watching these videos on bullying stirs up memories of my own. sure, i was never physically bullied into a corner (THANK GOD!), but the words don't hurt any less.

maybe it's a trivial thing for many but i was called names, like 'siti sotong' (which translates into 'siti squid', cos squids are somehow associated with being lost and confused a lot, apparently). that name stuck through primary school, and beyond. and i HATE IT. i think it was mainly the fact that i was always lost in my thoughts, always wandering off into space. i couldn't help it; i had a very active imagination and i still do.

and i was accused at staring at the resident 'gangster girl' of my secondary school because i happened to linger my glance a little too long in her direction. again, always been a 'thing' of mine, to zone out, and have people think i'm staring.

growing up, i've been accused of being rude and really have nothing much going on in my thinktank (aka stupid), because i love to daydream. and i've consciously tried to avoid doing that as i got older, and i'd like to think it's not that bad now. but i have my moments, i know. oh, and i've been told i have a huge nose (which i somewhat agree).

so yeah, i've had my fair share of being chastised and made fun of, which definitely has affected how i view myself now. but (there's a HUGE BUT in there), the last two years i have learnt to love myself a hell of a lot more. mainly through proper nutrition and exercise. yes, it's only working on the physical aspect, but as a result, my feeling of self-worth has grown by heaps and bounds. plus, it helps that i've been with someone who's a complete God-send after that fucking douchebag. so what he loves about me, i've learnt to love about myself. and now that i've learnt to appreciate the superficial (if you can call it that), i can appreciate the inside even more.

and i couldn't be happier with myself. :)

p.s.
of course, there were other major contributing factors to all this lack of confidence and self-esteem (read: MOTHER), but that's all been said and done. and now that i actually lost weight (FUCK YEAH!), she can't touch me!